Happy 2nd Birthday, Ainsley!

Dear Ainsley, 

Happy 2nd birthday, little lady! And what a little lady you are turning into--already! Someday when you're old enough and stumble upon this journal, you are going to read about how right "they" are. 

They say time goes so fast. 

They say cherish the moments. 

They say you can't comprehend a mother's love. 

They say that raising children can be tough, but oh so worth it. 

And you know what, Pete? They are right. 

Time goes so fast--how can I be the mother of a two year old?! A toddler?! A developing young lady with a personality that both takes my breath away and makes me cringe! (Usually only when you're mimicking me!)

I am cherishing the moments--because they'll slip right through our clasped hands if we don't. Life and circumstances will continue to evolve, and with that the day is coming when you will no longer beg to watch "Eenna", declare that Coby is AWAKE! until he finally is so that you can kiss and play with him, want to snuggle at bedtime after reading a stack and an half of books--twice. You're going to have your endless questions of "What's that?!", "Why?!" and "What's that noise?!" answered by someone else. So in the meantime, I'll explain life to you the best I can--even when I don't know exactly how the automatic flusher works exactly, I'll snuggle on your toddler mattress long after the first yawn of the night, and I'll allow my heart to be filled with joy as you fulfill your big sister role so well. 

Sweet baby girl, you can't comprehend your momma's love for you. To say I love you to the moon and back would be an understatement. You are who made me a mother, and you are the one who is refining me as a mother. No matter how disappointed I try to pretend to be when you pee your pants two minutes after you say you don't have to go or when you get that look in your eye and deliberately disobey my instruction, Ainsley Jo, I could never love you less or be less proud to be your momma. One day--in many, many years--you'll make me a grandmomma and you'll begin to understand my love for you. 

Raising you (and your brother) can be tough, but oh so worth it! I've only been at this gig for two years and I know I've made mistakes. There have been times I responded "no!" too quickly, cut story time too short, been upset too long, spent too much time on Pinterest, and didn't give myself 100% to the here and the now that will truly matter in the days to come. What seems like a perfect balance one day, is complete chaos the next. There have been nights of tears and shaking my head from a few feet away because I have to step away because as a mother, as your mother I have absolutely no idea how to meet your needs--how to love you and shape you and teach you and comfort you and discipline you into the person you were made to be. 

But they are right. 

Children are worth it. 

You are worth it. 

You make it worth it. Even at two, your personality and love has flooded my heart and added meaning to my life. 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Princess! Keep on being you--because you are a beautiful creation!

Love, 

Momma

2 More Summertime Goals

Alright, blogworld, here's the deal.

I have about half a dozen posts half-written in my mind, but I still have some 101 in 1001 goals to update on here. So, here's another checklist kind of post after a whirlwind of July so I can get my blog-brain up to date!

77.   Go to the drive in movies.
During the last week of June, my niece and nephew stayed the night with the plan to see Monsters University that even. You see we've got some serious Monsters' fans in the family! My niece used to beg to watch Monsters, Inc--and take a bubble bath and brush her teeth--every.single.time she came to our house. My nephew is equally enthralled with Sulley & Mike; as is Ainsley! I can't even guess how many times I've watched Monsters, Inc. Coincidentally the Van-Del Drive-ins has BOGO on Tuesdays evening and kiddos 5 and under are free. So for seven bucks, Mister, Sondra [2 days shy of her 6th birthday!], Stuart, Ainsley, Jacoby, and I were able to enjoy a movie! 

About three-fourths of the way through the movie, the temperature dropped drastically. People scurried about collecting blankets and popcorn bowls, seeking refuge in their cars. Sondra turned to me asking if we should get in car. I relieved her that everyone else was just wimps, we'd be fine, buuuut I did keep a close eye on the lightening in the distance! The kiddos stayed up for almost all of the movie, with just a little dozing off at the end! They then slept the whole way home and all through the night. 

Cue the hallelujah chorus!

10.     Can vegetables grown in our garden.
I felt a bit of pressure looming with this goal. You see, last year, I thought our garden was pretty lush. This year? I don't feel like we've gotten much out of it. Either way, if I wanted to accomplish this goal I needed to can something. 

After thinking that I picked all the beans and then being informed of a whole 'nother section, I realized green beans was the produce of choice. [That and we did grow any other commonly cannable produce this year.]

So we took our snipped beans out the Mister's parents and his mom helped teach me.  You see, we have "uh garden" at our house, but Mister's parents? Now they have A GARDEN! And his mom is good at storing away for winter. 

Mmmmm... How I love some comfort food on a chill winter night that includes preserved summertime favorites. Green beans. Corn. Peaches. Yum! Yum! So that's where this goal came from and we spent some time canning. Nancy really did all the work and I just asked all the questions. I'm no where near being able to do it by myself--although Mister reassured me that there's this thing called a "user's manual" and it'd probably be able to walk me through it step by step. I'd say he was talking nonsense! ;-)

In the end, we had enough to can just 5 quarts of green beans, but I'm already looking forward to enjoying them this fall/winter! Next year I'm hoping for the bountiful harvest, or at least not being on vacation when my mother-in-law could use the help canning beans and cutting corn!

Dear Jacoby [4 months]

Hey Brudda-bubba! Here you are at your four-month birthday and checking things off the milestone list. Even though you and your sister are only a year and an half apart, my memory doesn't serve me too well on when she met each milestone so I'm just as excited for the new things you do! I was afraid that it'd be "old news" since I'd seen it before. You know, lil' man, I've seen the first roll before. I've seen the first experience with food. It'd be no big deal when it was YOUR first, but, I'll admit I was wrong!

It's actually probably MORE exciting because I'm not worried when the books say you should be doing things so you catch me by pleasant surprise!

Within the last few days you've been rolling over. It takes a bit of effort, but you get the job done--you're even more effective on the bed with a little give. On vacation right at your 4-month mark, I was upstairs prepping for a meal when your grandpa Clum called up, "Uh! Rachel! You may want to come downstairs! Your son is rolling over!!" It was neat to see their excitement for you of a [near] first rollover!

Speaking of vacation, you met the ocean and beach for the first time! 16 adults, 9 of your little cousins, your sis, and you all spent a week together just a couple blocks off the ocean in Surfside Beavh! It was overall a lot of fun and while you won't remember any of it being so young, trust that you enjoyed yourself--mostly!

About halfway through the week, you got a bit cranky yet we weren't sure why--and still aren't sure what was going on. A bit of a fever and not yourself. With a little infant ibuprofen and extra Momma cuddles, it was made so it wasn't miserable for anyone. Thursday night of vacation we went to bed--
all four of us in a double bed in our shared room with Aunt Joie and Uncle Jake--about 2:30 Ains
woke coughing, then you started coughing, almost gagging. Immediately I took you to the bathroom, but we didn't clear the bedroom before I was drenched in baby puke!

In order to keep the peace with the other 24 family members, you and I spent the next 3 hours in the garage--nursing and crying and bouncing and crying and changing diapers and crying and nursing and crying and crying and...well, you get the point! Up to this point, you were the only one crying! I had hit my limit though. I didn't know what to do for you. All my momma tricks were exhausted and ineffective. So I did what any good mom would do--I walked away.

I laid your fussy little body on an air mattress, shut the door and went to get your papa. This was the first time--with either you or your sis--that I had reached such limit.

I had no idea how to be your momma and meet your hidden need.

Waking from his slumber, your papa picked you up and bounced and rocked and tried his best to
soothe you. I went back into the house and begon looking for a set of keys so we could drive around--Facebook and Pinterest can only keep one so busy when exhausted in the middle of the night. Car rides aren't necessarily a favorite of yours, but it was worth a shot! Your grandmomma woke as I rustled things in her room, but I finally found them!

We loaded up in the car and headed to drive. To drive wherever and for however long. This is when I lost it. Tears began to fall and you began to fall asleep.

I left the subdivision we were staying in and drove. A few gallons of gas burned and a peaceful sleeping baby, we pulled back into the drive. I put the car in park and your eyes were once again wide open and filled with tears. I let out an exasperated sigh and cuddled you in the backseat of the Acadia, finally falling asleep with you in my arms for about an hour.

We made our way back into the vacation home where some family had already work early for breakfast--your grandmomma thought we had gone to watch the sunrise, yeah, I wished, lil' man!

You are worth it lil' guy. Even on the worst nights, finding comfort snuggled against my chest, it is worth it all.

Love,

Momma

P. S. You are now almost 17 lbs and 25 inches tall/long! Keep agrowin'!

{8} 101 in 1001 Goal Updates

I thought I wasn't doing so hot on my 101 goals to accomplish in 1001 days, but in reality it looks like I'm just not doing well blogging about them! I counted 'em up and have EIGHT to update!

5.     Drink no pop for 6 months.
This one wasn't too hard as I have gone longer without pop. It was more difficult to remember that I wasn't supposed to drink it than it was to say no to it. Other than the cherry pops--Cherry Coke, Cherry Pepsi, Cherry 7up--I don't really miss pop too much. So compared to how bad it supposedly is for ya, it's no biggie to say no! [I can't remember the last time I had it actually.]

23.   Get a professional massage.
February 2nd. While at my second chiropractor visit [in my life in prep to make sure all was in alignment for Jacoby to slide squeeeeeeze out] I scheduled an hour massage by the massage therapist that shares an office with him. It was nice. It was relaxing. It was worth it. [Especially since the office still hasn't sent me the bill!] The oddest part was with my normal massage therapist aka the wonderful mister I give a lot more direction--a little to the left, harder there, not so hard there--but with this appointment, I just let her do her thang!

29.   Only trim hair until lil’ bean’s first birthday.
I'm bad about regularly getting my hair trimmed and usually just get it cut [2-3 inches]. I mean you pay the same amount whether you get half an inch or half a foot chopped off. Doesn't seem quite right. Anyways, I made this goal to prevent a spur of the moment chopping... and I did it. It wasn't until 3 months after Ainsley's birthday that I had more than a trim. 

49.   Blog a personal/life update once a month for 6 months.
Well since Ainsley and Jacoby are our life. Just click on those tabs to check out those updates. :)

Handsome lil' man

Miss Personality & Mister

66.   Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.
Sign. Sealed. Delivered--to-our-basket-of-important-things-that-I-don't-want-to-lose. I actually already forget what I wrote and suddenly look forward to reading it!

71.   Go ice-skating.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Mister and I traveled to Chicago for the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics Conference. It was the first time for us both to be away from Ainsley overnight and served as a bit of a babymoon before Jacoby's arrival. While there, we went ice skating at Millennium Park! We enjoyed ourselves and could easily tell the difference between newbies aka US and experienced skaters aka those circling us as they whizzed by! Neither of us fell either which was good considering I was 6 months preggo!

88.   Send an anonymous note of encouragement/flowers.
I did it. November 2011. I intentionally didn't blog about this one since it was to be anonymous. :)

And last, but certainly not least!
After today's 5k and playing at the park, we headed home. By the time we got home, the two little ones were asleep and after showering, Mister quickly crashed as well. And so I decided I might as well accomplish another goal!

92.   Grow out hair and donate it.

Before

After

 [Sorry! I don't know why they've formatted funkily!]

Pantene's Beautiful Lengths has 9+ inches of Rachel hair!

And there ya have it! Almost halfway to accomplishing all my goals!

Dear Jacoby [12.5 weeks]

Dear Jacoby--

Sometime, I'm not sure when, it happened. As we slowly woke this morning, I found myself mesmerized by your fingers. When you were first born I remember wondering when your fingers would transform from skinny, wiry digits to nubby little hands. It's happened.

Your limp body has become much more rigid.

You can inch your way quite the distance--and sometimes in a circle--with your strong little legs. You can thank both your papa and I for those thunder strong thighs!

Your fussiness has been put [mostly] at ease.

Your gas smiles have become intentional smirks.

Many mornings you wake before your sister--largely because she's about as much of a morning person as your momma is!--and your Papa and I enjoy our time with you, our little man who's growing so quickly. We soak up this time. We take advantage of it. With Ainsley we had much more one on one time, but as the second child we want to make sure you have undivided love and attention at times as well.

These little moments, with you sandwiched between the two of us, you wiggle and giggle and make our hearts smile.

Because it's happening.

And we want to make sure we experience the happenings.

Love you little man! Keep growing. Keep experiencing. Keep happening.

-Momma

Dear Jacoby [8 weeks]

Hey Buster [Brown]!

Know that the fact that your journal has been a bit neglected the past few weeks means one thing--YOU [and your big sis] have not! You've been teaching me a lot and I've tried my best to be a good student for you. I'm learning, and accepting, that you are different from how Ainsley was and that's okay. You like to be rocked, bounced, and walked a lot. You want to eat when you want to eat. A schedule? Yeah, there's no such thing for your feeding. You like the sunshine and so I'll sit you in your bouncer with the blinds up next to the back doors. You like your paci, but can barely keep it in your mouth so it keeps you content for about 10.7 seconds.

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday

But you know what? I hold you until my shoulder burns, and then hold you longer because it's comforting to you. I contort my arm as I drive down the road try to hold in your paci and comfort you until my arm tingles, and then I twist it some more because it might just work. I stop what I am doing at nearly a moments notice to nurse you, and then an hour and an half later, I find myself stopping again.

Little man, regardless of your differences from Ains, I love you so much. You are my son and I treasure who you are and who you choose to become.

Cousin Sondra

Attempt at Clum Family Grandkids

Just last night as your papa was holding you at supper, I caught myself lost in thought. Looking into your captivating eyes, just like your papa's, I wondered what else you would inherent from him--his sense of humor, his interest in the outdoors, hie tender love, his vast knowledge.

Cousin Micah

Massie Cousins

Tomorrow I head back to school, just one day shy of 8 weeks with you. These first several weeks have flown and like so many other things in some ways it seems like you were born just yesterday, and in other ways, I can't imagine life without you. You are already growing and learning and changing. You are less fussy than you were before [Hal-le-lu-jah!!] You hold your head up and look around like a turtle stretching its neck. You turn your head in recognition when your papa or I speak.

Try not to be too demanding on your papa tomorrow when he's home alone with you and your sis!

Love you little man!

-Momma

Dear Jacoby [3 weeks]

Dear Little Man,

Thanks to you, I am relearning what it means to slow down and allow life to direct my schedule. In some ways, I have forgotten what it's like to be on "newborn time"--a planned time to leave is quickly adjust to a feeding time or a diaper change time or a snuggle for a few more moments time. And little man, what I am being reminded more than anything is that is okay. If becoming a momma has taught me something, it has been patience and perspective.

Not that I would've considered myself a patient person prior to you and your sis--I just faked putting up with people at times!--since you've come into my world, my patience has definitely grown. Thank you for that and know that there will be plenty of days in the future when you are getting into something for the 100th time or dumping out the basket of toys I just put away, when you think my patience is non-existent. Just be thankful that you aren't dealing with "pre-momma patience"!

This past week, your sis has gone out to Grandma & Grandpa Massie's leaving just you and me at home. This was in part to have one-on-one time with you, and also time that I could more easily work on grad school work. Day one of you and me time: Zero grad work accomplished. Day 2? An outline of a task--that took way longer than I spent on it. Again, lil' man, I look into your tiny, bright eyes, count your ten long fingers and ten tiny toes, and am reminded, it's okay.

Ten perfect fingers.
Ten perfect toes.
Perfectly snuggled on my chest.

It's okay if my grad work takes longer than it should. It's okay if the dishes from the night before that your Papa washed because I didn't get to yesterday are still sitting clean in the sink. It's okay if I just kick the toys stung about the floor to the side, instead of actually making time to pick them up and put them into their proper place. It's okay if you and Ainsley's bedroom floor looks like it's made of books because we read through every.single.one with you and your sis filling my lap. It's okay if I feel like I've qualified for the Boston Marathon simply because we've all were bathed and in clean clothes and I actually do clean dirty dishes before your papa got home from work.

It's okay.

More than that, I'm reminding myself that it's wonderful! It's great because skipping out on completing the various tasks of housekeeping or [some days] getting dressed before 4pm means that I am not skipping out on you and Ainsley. Taking care of you while watching Ainsley grow and development is an evident reminder that before I know it, you will be running around, climbing on the kitchen table, saying "pleeeease" and "'ank youuu" while asking for "more" and to "waaaaatch" Monster Inc. It seems like yesterday we brought Ainsley home from the hospital and she's grown so quickly! I know you are going to grow just as quickly, so if passing on the dishes means that I get to soak up your presence more, then the dishes will wait--even if that means I have to kill of the ants they'll collect in ten minutes!

Ainsley wanted to hold you [laying down]
 before bed one night!

You are worth it.

Love you, Little Stud! You are my pause button in life.

-Momma

P.S. Lil' man--I can't tell you how many times, I've found myself saying/thinking, "How was all of that [you!] in there [my belly]?!" with the follow-up thought, "How did that come out of there?!" Babies are a miracle of life. You are a miracle of life.

The 2 Main Men in my Life

What's in a Name?

Over two years ago when I discovered that our first child was itty bitty growing inside of me, one of the first things that crossed my mind was what would we name this child?! Way back to pre-junior high years, I came up with a boy and a girl name for my future children.

Addison and Jacoby.

Addison was a combination of American Girl's Addy books--love them!--and then realizing because of a cousin's friend's daughter that Addison was the full version of Addy.

Jacoby came from a younger brother of a family who participated in Wapak Kids Wrestling program. I remember even at that young age--I don't remember how young it was when we met this family--having a conversation with my momma about how had she had heard the name "Jacoby" before having my brother Jacob, she would've used that name instead. I remember later in junior high having a conversation with Momma-cita in which I said, "Well you could always adopt a boy and name him Jacoby." For whatever reason, we both just really liked the name.

Fast-forward to 2009. After we were married, I remember coming home to Mister worked up saying we no longer could use our my girls name! After filling him in on what my our future son and daughter would be named--do all women do that?!-- I scratched the girls name because it had become too popular for my liking, and the conversation was over.

When we found out we were pregnant with Ainsley, since we didn't know if she was a boy or a girl prior to birth, we had to choose both a boy's and girl's name. I still really like Jacoby but had no idea for a girl's first name and neither of us really had middle names figured out yet. Mister came home from work one day suggesting Ainsley--to which I initially laughed at because I thought he was joking. In my defense, he suggested it after suggesting Henrietta and Erma! He said that he just kind of came up with it while he was working that day and he remembered a character on the West Wing with the name. Once I realized he was serious, it stuck and became our girl's name. Chris struggled a bit to accept Jacoby because it was the last name of one of his elementary teachers.

So we had it down to Ainsley and Jacoby, but we needed middle names.

That's when we got the idea to honor our maid of honor and best man with our name choices, thus resulting in Ainsley Jo [my maid of honor's middle name] and Jacoby Joshua [Chris' best man/friend's first name].

Well obviously our firstborn is our sweet, charismatic daughter, Ainsley Jo. Ainsley--chosen by her papa and Jo after my best friend from high school and maid of honor.

Pregnancy #2 we intentionally decided not to find out the gender of the little one growing inside of me and therefore needed to come up with two names. Really just a girl's name as Jacoby Joshua was still our boy name.

Our only criteria was that the middle name had to have significance/be after someone. The first name we could be more creative with.

Well we never 100% decided on a girls name it doesn't really matter what our girl's name was because baby number two is our handsome little man, Jacoby Joshua. As mentioned before Joshua is after Chris' best friend and Jacoby is a variation of my brother's name that my momma and I heard many, many years ago!

***

To be named after someone or to name someone after someone else, in my book, is an honor. You don't choose your worst enemy or someone with attributes you don't want your child to emulate and name your child that name. When it comes to our Jacoby Joshua, that last part couldn't be farther from the case. While Jacoby wasn't originally chosen to honor my brother, Jacob, especially the past several months--and even years--this has become more of a reality.

I have seen my brother transform into a great man, father and Christian. He has characteristics of hard work, dedication and determination that I hope Jacoby emulates. All these feelings and the desire to not only have Jacoby's name be Jacoby because we liked it, but also after my brother was confirmed while we were in the hospital not knowing what was going on in little Jacoby's body. On the morning after his birth, I sent a text out to family giving the latest update, and my brother responded, "He'll pull through this. He has strong determination in his blood." Tears immediately came to my eyes as I thought, "You're right, Jake. He does. Just like you." Later that evening, after a very emotional day, as Jake and his family were visiting in the hospital, he squeezed me tightly, giving the big brother comfort that can't quite be explained, and it felt like we were the only two in the room. That's when he said, "Would you like me to pray for all us?" With tears in my eyes, I said I would and he led all of our family in prayer. This is the type of man that I want Jacoby to be--a man who is determined, a man who is dedicated to his family and God.

Today, I came across this post and linked it to my Facebook statues with the comment, "Raising a good, God-honoring, women-respecting man has already consumed my mind and heart since Jacoby has ben welcomed into my world... I'm thankful Jacoby has the men he does in his life--including his Papa and his namesakes."

If Jacoby becomes half the man of the these three great men in his life, he'll be just fine!

Dear Jacoby [2 weeks]

Dear Jacoby,

You've been outside the womb for two weeks now, and home for one. So far, so good little buddy!

Naturally it's been an adjustment having you, and Papa and I still have a lot to learn but you are making it pretty easy. I think the hardest part is that because you were constantly monitored in the hospital, I'm constantly questioning in my mind--is that normal?! Even though your big sis is only 18 months older, it's amazing how much I have forgotten about newborns!

Superhero Birthday Party for cousin Micah

The other night as I was captivated by your dark little eyes, I proclaimed, "You are a boy!" To which your pap came from the laundry room asking what I was doing, changing your diaper? Although that was my first indication you were a boy when you were laid on my chest seconds after your birth, you just look like a handsome little man already! Your facial features--including that cute rugged double dimple on your right cheek--just scream, "I'm a little man, future heartbreaker!" I know you already have my heart, buddy and I'm so excited to see how you continue to grow and change.

I think I know where you get
your heartbreaker characteristics! 

We said our goal with you was to have you actually sleep in the cradle next to our bed versus in bed with us. I thought this would be easier because 1. you slept in the crib/basket during week 1 while in the special care nursery and 2. because I didn't have a c-section and that was a big reason your sis was in bed with us at the beginning, that wouldn't be a deciding factor.

Yeah, you've slept a couple hours in your cradle...

Time flies so quickly. Especially comparing you and Ains, it's obvious that you don't stay little long at all. I don't want to miss out on anything with you. I don't want to change things I've cherished with Ainsley simply to try things differently with you or because others say that we should do things differently! You are my itty bitty little man that will be going to kindergarten, high school, and off to live in your own way, way too fast. I want to be just as captivated and consumed by you at this age as I was by your sister's development!

I love you little man, and I wouldn't trade you for the world!

Love,

Momma

P.S. Although it's my goal not to compare you to Ainsley too much, once again, history has repeated itself!

You shot me!!

Totally unphased!
I'm just glad I had a blanket on the couch!

Photo Card

Sweet Snapshots Boy Baby Announcements

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on our hospital stay

As you know from the content of our past posts, we welcomed our first son Jacoby Joshua into the world on March 7th. He ended up needing to be in the special care nursery for the first week of his life and it was hard on everyone.

This was likely the most lonely week of my life.

Not only did we not have answers to what was going on so there was an element of suspension and fear of what was around the corner, it seemed as if the weight of the world had to be carried by Mister and I alone.

While I know this wasn't completely true, it was undeniably my feelings and sometimes feelings are more real than reality.

We were in the hospital for a total of 8 days, and beyond our immediate families had 3 family members, 4 friends visit and 4 pastors visit. [I deeply appreciate all of those visits!] As I sent out updates throughout the days so everyone could know what was going on with lil' Jacoby, our family would mention wanting to visit but not impede on our time as a family there.  This couldn't have been further from what I wanted. Each time, I'd assure them they were not impeding and we'd I'd LOVE to have them come up and visit. At times they would visit, knowing that they may only get a few minutes to hold Jacoby or even only be able to see him in the nursery, but they still came. Their presence was my strength in some moments.

Especially as the days passed by, we knew Jacoby was in the clear, and we were simply waiting on the the full dose of the antibiotics to run its course, the days were so.long.

One evening my mom was visiting, holding our lil' man as Chris ran out to pick up some supper. As I laid on the couch, tears welled up. I was so tired of being in the hospital. I was so tired of feeling alone. I just wanted to leave--all four of us to leave together as a family.

This wasn't the first--or the last--time I shed tears. Tears of confinement. Tears of loneliness. Tears of frustration.

I tried to remind myself to be grateful that what we were going through was just a sliver of what some other parents we know have had to go through at the birth of their children.

I tried to remind myself that even though our life was on hold, everyone else's continued to rush by with each passing day.

I tried to remind myself that no one was intentionally wanting me to feel this way.

It was lonely. It was hard. But now? It's over. We are all home together and I am grateful.

Dear Jacoby [1 week]

Dear Jacoby,

It's been one week since you were readily and excitedly welcomed into this world by so many people who love you!

It was one week that I never want to repeat again.

Shortly after your birth, a nurse informed me that you were breathing a little fast and that your blood sugar was a little low. She asked if I was ready to nurse you--I was--because commonly lower blood sugar can cause the rapid breathing. After you nursed like a champ for a bit, she retested your blood sugar--it had increased from 47 to 61. A move in the right direction. Later she tested it again and it had balanced out quite well so that was no longer a concern. Yet your respirations were still heightened a bit.

The nurse did the normal routine in the labor and delivery room, then we were all moved to the recovery room. All the while, the nurses continued to monitor your respirations. You met your Grandpa & Grandmomma-cita Clum, Uncle Zac, Aunt KK, Aunt Jess, Grandma & Grandpa Massie, and of course your big sis Ainsley that evening. Then the nurses informed me that your respirations had continued to speed up [up to 88/min.; 60/min is the top normal limit] and you were going to have to spend the evening in the special care nursery.

This.was.so.hard.

We followed you down to the nursery where they informed us that you were going to be hooked up to monitors to keep a close eye on your pulse, heartbeat, and of course respirations. Additionally you were going to be receiving an iv with antibiotics because heighten respirations could be caused by an infection. You were also in an incubator that only had the two openings on each side to reach in and touch you.

Many tears were shed as a result of seeing you like this.

Basically, there were multiple small red flags that meant you could have an infection--Group B positive but didn't receive antibiotic the full 4 hours prior to delivery, heightened respirations, heightened  C-Reactive Protein Levels which indicates an inflammation in the body which could mean that there is an infection--all of these warranted getting an iv antibiotic and just like for adults, it's best to take let the antibiotics run its full course versus stopping once the symptoms have ceased.

On that first night, I went down to nurse you for your 2am feeding. I think I spent the majority of that feeding time with tears streaming down my face. What was going on? What could I do? I would do anything to help you and not have you hooked up to everything, but there was absolutely nothing I could do. I composed myself to put you back in the incubator before making my way back to my room. Part way back I lost it again. I was quite worked up as I entered my room, waking your papa as I entered. You see Papa had had bronchitis and so after a not-so-thoughtful comment from a nurse, we assumed he wasn't able to see you in the nursery. Add this fact to seeing you how you were, I couldn't handle it.

A very thoughtful nurse came in a few minutes later and asked if there was anything she could do for us. Through the tears, I explained how hard it was to see you how you were without knowing what was going on and that to make it even worse, your own Papa couldn't even go back to visit. She assured us that you were receiving good care and said that even Papa was welcomed to go back to you. Had we not have told her he was sick, she wouldn't have even known.

This set my heart a bit at ease.

The next morning [Friday], you had some tests run and two things came back abnormal--your bilirubin count was a little high [jaundice] and your CRP [C-Reactive Protein in the blood which indicates inflammation] was at 4.3. The normal level from CRP is less than 1.0 and it should be less than 0.4. The doctor said you could come off the oxygen--it was at 30% over night and then 21% which is what normal air is that day--and they would retest your bilirubin levels that evening. The doctor's report reiterated what we were already told--individually things didn't look too bad, but there were too many small red flags to ignore. 

Your bilirubin levels continued to increase so you had to be put under the bililights to help break down the bilirubin in your blood. Your papa and his parents were the first to see you under the lights that evening. It was very difficult for them. Hopefully you'll never have to experience it with your own children one day, but the feeling of helplessness as you laid in the incubator was one that I wish no one to have to experience.

Friday evening was extremely hard. We were so overwhelmed yet had no answers. You looked so helpless hooked up to so many monitors. We felt so helpless not being able to do anything for you. 

Saturday morning your CRP levels had dropped to 2.4; the oxygen was finally taken off your nose--even though the doc said that could be done the previous day; you were placed into an open crib versus the incubator. This was two-fold. You could be closer to the bililights and it wouldn't be as warm since your temp was slightly elevated. This was a sigh of relief. Off oxygen and into an open crib meant everything appeared more normal. 

Quick snuggles while you weren't
under the lights.

Despite the improvements, Saturday's doc report was one of the hardest to hear. Up until this point we had been under the impression that you would be in the special care nursery through Monday. The doc informed us you would have to have a full 7 days of iv antibiotics. We weren't going anywhere until Thursday. Ugh. 

The positive news at this point was that you were permitted to come to my room every 3 hours for 30 minutes for feedings. This allowed for others to burp you and hold you as we stretched the 30 minutes into 45 minutes each time. It was so hard not to!

Everyone soaked up the moments
you were able to be in our room.
Notice IV in head.

Saturday night was another rough evening. I was technically discharged and your Papa went home with your big sis so she could have some normalcy. Being alone in the hospital, worried about you, worried about your Papa, worried about your sis. The feeling of helplessness continued--different answers from different people; not knowing the next steps or even options.

On Sunday, your iv [which was now in your head] was leaking during feeding so they took out and going to replace. I stayed for the de-taping and it wasn't as bad as I thought it may be with all that tape in all that hair. You definitely didn't enjoy it though! That afternoon an IV was restarted in your hand. [At this time, you had a continuous drip of D-10--sugar water--and then twice a day was actually receiving your medications of ampicillin and gentamicin.] Perhaps starting Monday we were given the hope that you can be done with the continuous drip and depending on the bilirubin count, you may be able to be in our room, except for overnight. On the flip side, if your bilirubin levels come back higher tomorrow [today was 13something], we may have to stop the nursing altogether so you can be under the lights the maximum time possible and formula "clings" to the bilirubin and helps it pass through your system. To help with your time under the lights, on Sunday we only did every other feeding in my room--better than nothing.

Three Generations of Massie Men.

Monday morning at your 5am feeding you only ate for a quick 15 minutes but then thanks to chit-chatting with a nurse, we had and hour of glorious snuggle time! I was just hoping and praying that I wasn't given this extra time because you were going to be restrained to the bililights and formula for the next 24 hours.

Your bilirubin count was lower this morning!! [11 something] Wahoo!!

Under the bililights, clinging to Papa's finger.

Today's doc report pretty much said what I was expecting. Bilirubin is moving in the right direction so I can continue to nurse. We'll continue with the bililights today and hopefully tomorrow an adjustment to the amount of time you have to be under them can be adjusted. He said that he's waiting on the results from my placenta to see if there was any indication of infection there. I didn't realize that was something they were even looking at, but IF there happens to be a sign of infection, your antibiotics will likely be extended to 10 days instead of 7.

This was mildly frustrating as it was another "Surprise! We're monitoring this too!" As your Grandma Great expressed upon receiving this update, "What are they going to say next?!"

So that's exactly what I asked the nurse practitioner during your next feeding. She informed me that they were supposed to be getting results from the placenta yet it was never sent for whatever reason and is still sitting in the fridge so they aren't going to worry about it at this point. So the iv extension can't be made based on that. After your 2pm feeding, they capped off your iv so you're no longer on the sugar water drip and will only be hooked up to the iv machine twice a day (noon and midnight) when you are getting your antibiotics for about an half hour each time. Throughout the night, we're going to keep him under the lights and another bilirubin count will be done in the morning. The CNP said we could take you off the lights today but would rather "blast" the jaundice as much as possible first. So starting tomorrow [Tuesday], you should be in room with me with the iv capped off except for 2x/day meds. 

Down to just an iv in his foot.

Starting Tuesday, that's exactly what happened. Except for your noon meds and overnight, you were in my room. Finally time to hold and snuggle you without the tension of keeping you out from under he lights or like I was "supposed" to hold you! And others got to too!! When it came to life with, this is what I was expecting since day one and although it took 5 days to get to this point, I was so, so glad we had made it to this point.

Grandma & Grandpa Massie, Papa & Jacoby

At this point, I began counting down the hours until we'd be released!

Grandpa & Grandmomma Clum, Momma, Ainsley, & Jacoby

5 IVs [one in each hand, one in your foot and two in your head], oxygen in your nose, breathing/heart monitors, bililights with foam glasses. Overall, they never found anything wrong with you--I could've told them that since you're our perfect lil' man--and they treated you for a suspected infection. The other little red flags of Group B positive, quick respirations, and CRP levels made it so that they couldn't ignore all the factors put together. The CNP commented that everything could have been caused by you having a little mucus caught in the back of your throat and you didn't know how to clear it, but better safe than sorry! [While I agree that I'd rather be safe than sorry when it comes to you or your sister, this is a phrase I was so.sick.of hearing by the end of the week! And I'll have to remind myself of that when I get the hospital bill!]  

Off all the monitors and just has a capped IV.

We were able to bring you home Thursday afternoon. It never felt so good to be home in all my life. You, Ainsley, Papa and me. All together. All home. Just as it was supposed to be!

Love
Momma!

P.S. I know this is long and not likely what you will care to read about when you get older, but it was what consumed the first week of your life and so I had to note it all as it was such a long week for all of us.