on our hospital stay

As you know from the content of our past posts, we welcomed our first son Jacoby Joshua into the world on March 7th. He ended up needing to be in the special care nursery for the first week of his life and it was hard on everyone.

This was likely the most lonely week of my life.

Not only did we not have answers to what was going on so there was an element of suspension and fear of what was around the corner, it seemed as if the weight of the world had to be carried by Mister and I alone.

While I know this wasn't completely true, it was undeniably my feelings and sometimes feelings are more real than reality.

We were in the hospital for a total of 8 days, and beyond our immediate families had 3 family members, 4 friends visit and 4 pastors visit. [I deeply appreciate all of those visits!] As I sent out updates throughout the days so everyone could know what was going on with lil' Jacoby, our family would mention wanting to visit but not impede on our time as a family there.  This couldn't have been further from what I wanted. Each time, I'd assure them they were not impeding and we'd I'd LOVE to have them come up and visit. At times they would visit, knowing that they may only get a few minutes to hold Jacoby or even only be able to see him in the nursery, but they still came. Their presence was my strength in some moments.

Especially as the days passed by, we knew Jacoby was in the clear, and we were simply waiting on the the full dose of the antibiotics to run its course, the days were so.long.

One evening my mom was visiting, holding our lil' man as Chris ran out to pick up some supper. As I laid on the couch, tears welled up. I was so tired of being in the hospital. I was so tired of feeling alone. I just wanted to leave--all four of us to leave together as a family.

This wasn't the first--or the last--time I shed tears. Tears of confinement. Tears of loneliness. Tears of frustration.

I tried to remind myself to be grateful that what we were going through was just a sliver of what some other parents we know have had to go through at the birth of their children.

I tried to remind myself that even though our life was on hold, everyone else's continued to rush by with each passing day.

I tried to remind myself that no one was intentionally wanting me to feel this way.

It was lonely. It was hard. But now? It's over. We are all home together and I am grateful.