Happy 2nd Birthday, Ainsley!

Dear Ainsley, 

Happy 2nd birthday, little lady! And what a little lady you are turning into--already! Someday when you're old enough and stumble upon this journal, you are going to read about how right "they" are. 

They say time goes so fast. 

They say cherish the moments. 

They say you can't comprehend a mother's love. 

They say that raising children can be tough, but oh so worth it. 

And you know what, Pete? They are right. 

Time goes so fast--how can I be the mother of a two year old?! A toddler?! A developing young lady with a personality that both takes my breath away and makes me cringe! (Usually only when you're mimicking me!)

I am cherishing the moments--because they'll slip right through our clasped hands if we don't. Life and circumstances will continue to evolve, and with that the day is coming when you will no longer beg to watch "Eenna", declare that Coby is AWAKE! until he finally is so that you can kiss and play with him, want to snuggle at bedtime after reading a stack and an half of books--twice. You're going to have your endless questions of "What's that?!", "Why?!" and "What's that noise?!" answered by someone else. So in the meantime, I'll explain life to you the best I can--even when I don't know exactly how the automatic flusher works exactly, I'll snuggle on your toddler mattress long after the first yawn of the night, and I'll allow my heart to be filled with joy as you fulfill your big sister role so well. 

Sweet baby girl, you can't comprehend your momma's love for you. To say I love you to the moon and back would be an understatement. You are who made me a mother, and you are the one who is refining me as a mother. No matter how disappointed I try to pretend to be when you pee your pants two minutes after you say you don't have to go or when you get that look in your eye and deliberately disobey my instruction, Ainsley Jo, I could never love you less or be less proud to be your momma. One day--in many, many years--you'll make me a grandmomma and you'll begin to understand my love for you. 

Raising you (and your brother) can be tough, but oh so worth it! I've only been at this gig for two years and I know I've made mistakes. There have been times I responded "no!" too quickly, cut story time too short, been upset too long, spent too much time on Pinterest, and didn't give myself 100% to the here and the now that will truly matter in the days to come. What seems like a perfect balance one day, is complete chaos the next. There have been nights of tears and shaking my head from a few feet away because I have to step away because as a mother, as your mother I have absolutely no idea how to meet your needs--how to love you and shape you and teach you and comfort you and discipline you into the person you were made to be. 

But they are right. 

Children are worth it. 

You are worth it. 

You make it worth it. Even at two, your personality and love has flooded my heart and added meaning to my life. 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Princess! Keep on being you--because you are a beautiful creation!

Love, 

Momma

What's in a Name?

Over two years ago when I discovered that our first child was itty bitty growing inside of me, one of the first things that crossed my mind was what would we name this child?! Way back to pre-junior high years, I came up with a boy and a girl name for my future children.

Addison and Jacoby.

Addison was a combination of American Girl's Addy books--love them!--and then realizing because of a cousin's friend's daughter that Addison was the full version of Addy.

Jacoby came from a younger brother of a family who participated in Wapak Kids Wrestling program. I remember even at that young age--I don't remember how young it was when we met this family--having a conversation with my momma about how had she had heard the name "Jacoby" before having my brother Jacob, she would've used that name instead. I remember later in junior high having a conversation with Momma-cita in which I said, "Well you could always adopt a boy and name him Jacoby." For whatever reason, we both just really liked the name.

Fast-forward to 2009. After we were married, I remember coming home to Mister worked up saying we no longer could use our my girls name! After filling him in on what my our future son and daughter would be named--do all women do that?!-- I scratched the girls name because it had become too popular for my liking, and the conversation was over.

When we found out we were pregnant with Ainsley, since we didn't know if she was a boy or a girl prior to birth, we had to choose both a boy's and girl's name. I still really like Jacoby but had no idea for a girl's first name and neither of us really had middle names figured out yet. Mister came home from work one day suggesting Ainsley--to which I initially laughed at because I thought he was joking. In my defense, he suggested it after suggesting Henrietta and Erma! He said that he just kind of came up with it while he was working that day and he remembered a character on the West Wing with the name. Once I realized he was serious, it stuck and became our girl's name. Chris struggled a bit to accept Jacoby because it was the last name of one of his elementary teachers.

So we had it down to Ainsley and Jacoby, but we needed middle names.

That's when we got the idea to honor our maid of honor and best man with our name choices, thus resulting in Ainsley Jo [my maid of honor's middle name] and Jacoby Joshua [Chris' best man/friend's first name].

Well obviously our firstborn is our sweet, charismatic daughter, Ainsley Jo. Ainsley--chosen by her papa and Jo after my best friend from high school and maid of honor.

Pregnancy #2 we intentionally decided not to find out the gender of the little one growing inside of me and therefore needed to come up with two names. Really just a girl's name as Jacoby Joshua was still our boy name.

Our only criteria was that the middle name had to have significance/be after someone. The first name we could be more creative with.

Well we never 100% decided on a girls name it doesn't really matter what our girl's name was because baby number two is our handsome little man, Jacoby Joshua. As mentioned before Joshua is after Chris' best friend and Jacoby is a variation of my brother's name that my momma and I heard many, many years ago!

***

To be named after someone or to name someone after someone else, in my book, is an honor. You don't choose your worst enemy or someone with attributes you don't want your child to emulate and name your child that name. When it comes to our Jacoby Joshua, that last part couldn't be farther from the case. While Jacoby wasn't originally chosen to honor my brother, Jacob, especially the past several months--and even years--this has become more of a reality.

I have seen my brother transform into a great man, father and Christian. He has characteristics of hard work, dedication and determination that I hope Jacoby emulates. All these feelings and the desire to not only have Jacoby's name be Jacoby because we liked it, but also after my brother was confirmed while we were in the hospital not knowing what was going on in little Jacoby's body. On the morning after his birth, I sent a text out to family giving the latest update, and my brother responded, "He'll pull through this. He has strong determination in his blood." Tears immediately came to my eyes as I thought, "You're right, Jake. He does. Just like you." Later that evening, after a very emotional day, as Jake and his family were visiting in the hospital, he squeezed me tightly, giving the big brother comfort that can't quite be explained, and it felt like we were the only two in the room. That's when he said, "Would you like me to pray for all us?" With tears in my eyes, I said I would and he led all of our family in prayer. This is the type of man that I want Jacoby to be--a man who is determined, a man who is dedicated to his family and God.

Today, I came across this post and linked it to my Facebook statues with the comment, "Raising a good, God-honoring, women-respecting man has already consumed my mind and heart since Jacoby has ben welcomed into my world... I'm thankful Jacoby has the men he does in his life--including his Papa and his namesakes."

If Jacoby becomes half the man of the these three great men in his life, he'll be just fine!

Dear Ainsley [18 months]

Dear Baby Girl (that I feel like I can't call baby girl anymore because within a few days you'll no longer be a baby):

You are officially 18 months old now! The past year and an half has been absolutely blissful and I continue to be amazed more and more each day with your personality and knowledge.

One of your fav pastimes is to read books. You'll bring one to Papa or me and help us flip through each cardboard page. Of course many of the books have to do with animals, funny faces and body parts which has led to quite the learning on your part. A bit before Christmas, you would confidently and correctly respond to "What does a sheep say?" Since then you've added cow, pig, dog, cat, monkey, lion, snake, chicken, duck, mouse, owl, frog, elephant and we're currently working on penguin. Initially my favorite was the cat--although you know how much Momma loathes cats!--because regardless of how rambunctious you are when we ask you about a cat's sound, you sweetly and gingerly tilt your head with the cutest, softest "meeeeow". I think my favs now though include the elephant since you include your little arm as the trunk and a penguin--waddle, waddle with the booty wiggle!

Which leads to my favorite body part that I like to test you on! "Where's your booty?!" And you hands go to your hindend with a wiggle and big ol' smile! You also know where your eyes, ears, cheeks, chin, forehead, head/hair, mouth, tongue, teeth--although you look like a goat with a bad underbite when you show them off--nose, fingers, feet, toes, knees, working on elbows, and of course your round lil' belly!

I'm not sure what's normal for your age, and I really try to keep it that way, Ainsley. You're only a year and an half old, and I know with face all kinds of "keeping up with the Joneses" issues in the future, but for now, I'm just going to let you control what normal is for whatever age you are at. (And don't worry, you'll always excel compared to the Joneses if we keep this attitude! ;))

Other than books and learning of animal and body parts--which is partially thanks to your obsession use of the iPad as a learning device--the thing that occupies the majority of the rest of your time starts with a "Waaaaaaa" and ends with a "tch!" "The Lion King" has been watched nearly 50 times in the last month or so. Some mornings you'll wake, point towards the bedroom door, and grin with a "Waaaatch?!" Other days you make it a few hours before you ask, but in honesty, I'm not sure you've gone a day without asking recently. (Not that we let you watch it every time, but most.) Every once in awhile you'll choose "The Little Mermaid", "Up!", or "Monsters, Inc." instead of "Lion" but those times are few and far between.

It's just so hard to say no to "Waaaatch, peeas?!" especially when we know it'll be followed up with a "ank ouuu"! Keep milking it now, lil' one because it won't work forever. ;-)

There are just so many things that have happened and ways that you are growing and learning in the past 6 months. I can't even begin to realistically imagine what the next six months will hold, especially since within the next few days--hopefully--you will officially be a big sister! I know that it'll be a period of transition for us all, but the way you hold and cuddle and love on your baby dolls and how you want to hold every real baby you see--even if the baby is in a picture--I know you'll be a great helper for Momma & Papa. And sweet little one, I know there will be days when you may feel more neglected than you'd like or days when you feel like the new one to come has taken your spotlight, but just like I have told you many times, Momma & Papa love you very, very much and we promise to do our best to love you with our best in all the days to come!

Much love lil' Pete!

 -Momma

Great Anticipation

Had you asked me Wednesday at 3:30 how I was feeling about this pregnancy and the arrival of sweet babe Massie, I would have confidently responded, "I'm not getting excited [aka not thinking it's going to happen] for another 2 weeks!"

You see, Ainsley's due date was August 22nd with an adjusted ultrasound due date of August 25th. My water broke on the morning on August 26th and she was welcomed into the world in the wee hours of August 27th.

With this lil one, my original due date is March 2nd. My ultrasound due date is March 9th. So I've kind of clung to a March 6th due date. Just trying to not get anxious or really think that the babe will arrive before then.

But then I had a 3:30 appointment on Wednesday.

When my doc checked my progress, he made a face [which is normal for his expressive self] and while I expected to hear that I had not made any additional progress from my appt just 5 days prior, he announced that I was 3 cm dilated! [This is compared to 1 cm on Friday.] Suddenly excitement and anticipation set in. By no means am/was I naive enough to think we needed to head to the hospital, but something about that progress gave me great anticipation for the coming days. Perhaps it won't be March 6th or later.

Or maybe it will.

With Ains, the first "sign" of labor was waking to my water breaking that Friday morning. I thought for sure I wouldn't be a part of 10% of ladies that their labors start in such way, but I was. And now, as I wake a couple times a night to reposition or going to the bathroom, I find myself wondering, hoping, and then disappointed that it was simply discomfort or "only pee" in the toilet that woke me. Then it's drifting back to sleep wondering if it'll be another day or another two weeks until that twinge I feel is really "it".

Of course I am extremely excited to finally meet lil' Massie. To know if lil' Massie is Jacoby Joshua or _______ _______. I'm excited to kiss a teeny-tiny nose, be amazed by 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. I'm excited to experience falling in love all over again. To watch Mister fall in love all over again. To see how Ainsley handles her new role as big sister. To see if she wants to hold this baby as much as she wants to hold every baby she sees in a picture.

I have great anticipation for each of these wonderful things.

I also have great anticipation as I think about how lil' Massie will enter this world. Avoiding a delivery like Ainsley's is extremely important to me. She arrive healthy and so I was I after her delivery, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I still struggle with questions of what if and wondering if I was pressured into what wasn't necessary. What was supposed to be moments of euphoric emotions and connecting with my precious little princess, instead was an hour of separation and emotions that can't be articulated.

As we--both Mister and me--prepare for the arrival of baby Massie #2, we've done and read and prepared all that we can for a VBAC. I read articles. I ask questions. I lay in bed imagining, preparing, hoping for such a delivery. With each passing day, and now with each passing hour, I think about being in the hospital and welcoming the arrival of our little one. And oh how I long to be the first to hold this babe. How I long to be able to snuggle the sweet bundle moments after birth versus being strapped down and only able to stretch my neck and strain my eyes to see my little one.

Many people don't get it. "Healthy baby, healthy mom. That's what really matters." I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends, family, and even strangers make this comment. Usually I smile, nod, and then have a conversation with myself about how I loathed my emotions--ones that only can be understood if they are experienced--so much after Ainsley's birth that avoiding them is of high priority.

Only time will tell. And while I wish I knew how much time it's going to take to tell, I'm trying my darnest to soak up every moment as a family of three. Every everything may be our last as we currently know it, and I don't want to overlook these precious moments, looking ahead to the moment when things get real!

Update through Photos

There's been quite the time since I last posted, but that doesn't mean a lot of life hasn't happened! So for an quick update to bring the blog world up to speed, photos from the past 5ish months!

August 2012

 The Best Time of the Year--Allen County Fair

 Sassy Sondra modeling her Guys & Gals Lead outfit that Aunt Sara made for her.

Right before she stuck out her tongue then was too embarrassed to finish!

Ainsley's 1st Birthday Party 

She certainly wasn't shy digging into the delicious cake Grandma Massie made for her!

September 2012

Clum Family Gathering in Bellefontaine

Running and diving on a mattress with Stu and Sondra--It's so much fun to see how much you love interacting with other kids!

Train ride at Bellefontaine Lodge--Riding with Jacob

 October 2012

Half Marathon with Momma-Cita & Mister

All smiles BEFORE the run! After the run was more of a straight-faced hobble for me!

Trick-or-Treating At Otterbein

Three CrAzY kids!

Our Skeleton Family

 

President Obama came to my high school. This made for a crazy few days but was thankful to witness the madness!

November 2012

 We said goodbye to Grandma Clum as she was reunited with her husband and her Lord. It was the worst, yet best birthday present.

Ainsley first picture with Great-Grandma Clum

  Hot Chocolate 5k--Momma-cita's Birthday Gift

Trip to Chicago for Math Conference--This was our first time that both Mister and I were away from Ainsley overnight. 

We went ice-skating for the first time. [Isn't that what every 6 month pregnant lady does?!]

No falls! All smiles! Millennium Park

December 2012

We met Miss Piper McCracken. Ainsley absolutely loved the precious little baby! It made us more excited for the arrival of our little bundle!

Kisses for Piper

Ains LOVED holding Piper!

Cheese Party--We hosted a cheese party at our house! We had friends over with lots of cheesey food, wore cheesey aka ugly Christmas attire, and played Cheeseopardy aka cheeseo-themed Jeopardy.

 

I painted Ainsley's fingernails for the first time! It made her seem like a little lady, instantly!

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning we had to torture you awake for presents!

"Cheese" face!

She did great opening presents until she opened a book--then all she wanted to do it read.

Motorcycle Momma like Grandmomma-cita!

One of Ainsley's common faces--I <3 br="br" it="it">

Nephews became animals for Christmas

 Visit with high school friends--Ange and Britney. Crazy that we all have at least one babe now!

Angela's Jillian; Britney's Emma; and my ham!

 Clum Family Christmas

Part of the Crazy Clum Great Grandkids

Play cards with Gabe

 Helping Papa put together our new *double* stroller

Crazy hair!

 January 2013

33 Weeks Pregnant & 16 months ornery!

Monkey

 Perhaps I'll work on consistent updating now!