Jacoby Joshua

Just like when I wrote about my experience of bring Ainsley Jo into the world, some of the details in this post may be TMI for some of y'all. If you think that may be you, here's the Spark Notes version:

Jacoby Joshua Massie was welcomed into the world via VBAC at 2:28pm on Thursday, March 7th, 2013. He weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long.

After my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, I was excited about the news that while I was still 3 cm dialated, I had made progress in every other area: more effaced, cervix was no longer posterior but "mid", and my bag of waters was "bulging". This was exciting for me, but at the same time, since I had taken Ainsley to the doc that morning and ended up with 2 prescriptions and a breathing machine, and Mister went to Urgent Care to get a script for bronchitis, I just wanted my little family to get healthy so that we could prepare for the arrival of Baby Massie. I had no idea how soon we'd be welcoming him!

I woke at 4am on Thursday needing to go to the bathroom. This was nothing out of the ordinary for the past few weeks. After doing my business, I climbed back in bed with Mister and Ains. A few minutes later, back on the porcelain throne. From 4-5am, I was back and forth, back and forth. Chris woke during one of my returns, asking if I needed anything, but all I needed was to not have to have to constantly sit on the throne!!

At 5am, I found myself on the couch. I no longer felt the constant urge to go to the bathroom, but I did have period like cramps. From 5 to 6, I had about four of these period like cramps. They lasted for a few minutes at a time and weren't painful, but definitely uncomfortable. After the second one, I realized they were likely contractions, but still nothing that I was getting too excited about. I mean they were only uncomfortable, and perhaps it was just false labor.

At 6am, I figured it was time to start getting ready for school by straightening my hair. I figured if I continued about my day, I'd be able to differentiate between discomforts of perhaps false labor and if it was maybe the real deal. While straightening my hair I had to pause a couple times because of discomfort. After my hair was done, I decided I wasn't going to school that day. Even if this wasn't the real deal, I didn't feel like having to make "pauses" throughout the day in front of a class full of high schoolers. As I climbed back in bed and unsuccessfully tried to get comfortable [especially during the cramps contractions], I updated Chris on my morning and said that I wasn't going into work, but he might as well. To which he asked, "So what will it take for you to call me and say to come home?"

"I don't know, when things get real?!"

By this time, deep down I knew things were already getting real, but didn't want to get my hopes up as it was nearly 24 hours after my water broke with Ains before she was in my arms.

About 7am we were both out of bed, Chris had called his boss and said he wasn't coming in and my contractions were any where from 5 to 12 minutes apart. I was instructed to head to the hospital upon my water breaking or if I had regular contractions, 7 minutes apart. We decided we'd continue to wait it out at home, allowing Ainsley to sleep in before going out to Chris' parents'. No need to wake her up early if we were just going to be hanging out at home all morning.

Just before 8am, as I found myself stopping in my tracks with every contraction focusing on riding it out, I decided that whole "let Ainsley sleep in" idea was a bad idea! "Chris, let's wake Ainsley! I don't think I can wait for her to wake on her own." Chris sent a message to his parents saying we were going to be bringing Ainsley out. A few minutes later, Chris' dad was on his way to pick up Ains.

I was relieved.

Last pic as a family of three!

A quick pic [between contractions]
before heading to the hospital!

Just before 9am we headed to the hospital. A contraction as I tried to get into the car and another right as we were arriving. As we headed to the 5th floor, I buzzed into the Labor & Delivery wing, "Can we help you?"

"Uh, yes, I'm in labor..." As the door opens, I turn to Mister, "at least I better be!!"

We got all checked in, and then Nurse Judy checked me: 4 cm and bulging bag of waters. A bit of progress since the appointment the day before. Now at this time, I was having a bit of tension. I was afraid that this may not be it. I mean my water broke first with Ainsley, so why wouldn't it have broken already if it was time for true labor. But just like I had text my Momma-cita eariler, if this wasn't the real deal, I was doomed!

Over the next couple of hours, my contractions became more steady usually with an intense one quickly followed by one that wasn't quite as intense. They progressed from "Focus! Focus! Focus! Just breathe through it Rachel!" to "This hurts! Ahh, this hurts! Ahh, ahh, it's over!" By 11:30am, I had asked Nurse Judy a couple of times, "Now if I were to get an epidural, do you think it'd up my chances of a c-section?!" Each time I was told that it could but not necessarily. Judy said there were other options, like staydol but after my experience with Ainsley, I said HECK NO!!

So she suggested getting out of bed and try sitting in the rocking chair and rocking through each contraction. I knew that Dr. Bradley should be over about noon or so during his lunch to check on me and likely to break my water, so that was a goal--just make it until noon!!

I only made it one contraction in the rocking chair before I was back in bed and getting checked. I asked him what was so pressing on my mind--soooo, will that epidural up my chances of a c-section?! I didn't really get an answer but he grabbed the big ol' crochet hook and broke my water. "Ahh, just like peeing!!" and more pee and more pee! After he broke my water, he checked me, said I was at 8 cm [holy cow! 4 cm in just a couple of hours!!] and said he was headed to get a bite to eat but would be in the hospital.

I moaned, breathed, squeezed the bed rails during each contraction, shoving ice chips in my mouth like it was my job. I was uncomfortable. I was in pain. I was getting a bit more demanding of Mister--hold my hand, don't hold my hand, push on my back, don't push on my back, ICE NOW!! I was doing it, but I didn't know if I could do it.

Dr. Bradley returned with coffee in hand sitting in the rocking chair in my room. He informed my that once his coffee was gone, he'd check me again, attached an internal fetal monitor to the baby and returned to the rocking chair. I recall asking again, are you sure there's nothing I can get?!

"A margarita?!"

"If you've got strawberry, hook me up!!"

"Ah, sorry. All out of strawberry. Guess there's nothing for you!"

Because of the pain, I was really doubting if I could do this. Based on previous experience, I labored with true contractions for 6 hours. I just didn't know if I could last another 4 hours like this! [Dr. Bradley continued to hang out in my room through the arrival of our lil' one. While I appreciated this because last time I felt like my OB was absent, there were times I really wish he weren't there. Like when he was on his cell phone, and I was grimacing through contractions--I swear he was probably playing Words with Friends or something--or when he was checking me during contractions--I really wanted to just kick him in the head!!]

Shortly there after, I was told if I felt like I needed to push, it was time to start pushing. A few contractions later, I decided it was time to push. I didn't know if I felt like I needed to but I certainly wanted to because I wanted this baby to get here.

Over the course of the next hour or so, I pushed with nearly every contraction with Chris and Judy by my side counting to ten and encouraging me that I was doing well. There were a couple glimpses of labor humor as I "Welp! I jut crapped!" but overall, I was feeling a little discouraged. I didn't feel like I was doing well. I didn't know if I was make progress. I didn't know if the baby was any closer to its arrival. I didn't know if I could do it. During this time, I had a major meltdown. I can't do this! It hurts too much, this baby isn't coming! Dr. Bradley responded "too late" when I said I needed something. I could tell it was hard for Chris to encourage me as he knew I was in great pain. It hurt to keep my legs in the pushing position. I wanted to stop because my hips hurt. I wanted to push because I knew it'd be better. I can't do this, but I continued on.

Sometime in this time, Dr. Bradley gave me two shots in my who-ha of some sort of numbing agent--think the pinch, burning like when getting a cavity filled. He said he thought I was going to "need some extra room". [I'm not 100% sure what it was. Something in the 'caine' family of numbing agents I think, but later the nurses said it was something that Dr. Bradley is one of the very few that use it.]

About 2pm, things started to get a lot more busy in the room. I could tell prepping was happening, but I still didn't know how long I had until the arrival of our lil' one.

I think this was one of the hardest parts about the labor--well except the contractions of course!--I feel like I never really knew where I was at in the whole process. I assumed since more activity was going on, I had to be getting close, but I didn't know this. I was told I was doing great, but in the back of my mind, I thought I was afraid I wasn't and that this labor too would end in a c-section: my worst fear for the past 9 months!

Dr. Bradley then said he was trying to help me get the baby positioned correctly as it was posterior. [Later I found out the he wasn't just posterior, but was quite twisted up in there.] As he did this, he also said he was going to use a vacuum to help pull the baby down. I think this added to the uncertainty of my progress. Because of the added pressure of the vacuum, it was difficult for me to feel where the baby was and if I was getting close. [I guess I assume Mommas can feel the location by the added pressure as I don't know for sure.]

About a quarter after two came my second major meltdown! After a particularly painful pushing through a contraction, I began crying uncontrollably, shaking my head, "I can't do this! I can't! I can't! It's not going to happen!" Judy tried to calm me and grabbed the oxygen mask. Dr. Bradley encouraged  that I was indeed doing it. Chris held my hand and without saying anything, told me I had all his support and the choice was mine.

I wanted to give up. What the heck was I thinking? Why on earth did I dream of experiencing this since the day Ainsley was born? No wonder women say, just schedule a c-section. I can't do it. No, I have to do it. I want to do it!

I regrouped. Got myself together and continued to push with everything I had in me.

I'm not sure how many pushes/contractions later it was, but all of a sudden, Dr. Bradley declared, "The head is out."

"The baby's head is out?! We did it!! I did it!!"

I was reminded the job wasn't done yet, but I didn't care. "If the head's out, the rest of the baby has to come this way! I did it!"

And then, what seemed to be "just like that", Dr. Bradley laid our baby on my chest!

I spread the little legs, "It's a boy!" and looked into Chris' tear-filled eyes, "we have Jacoby!"

Kisses and snuggles and happiness and "I did its!" and "We did its!" and "Thank yous!" [to Dr. Bradley & Judy for believing in me] filled the next several minutes.

I seriously couldn't have done it without these 3 men!

Oh, and Jacoby showing us that his plumbing worked just fine as he laid on my chest! He was cleaned up. I was sown up. Vitals were taken "9 lbs. 4 oz. 21 1/4 inches"!

I looked at Dr. Bradley who had estimated a 7.5-8 lb. baby the day before, and with sweat on his brow, smirked saying, good thing we didn't know that or he wasn't sure we'd gone this [VBAC] route!

"But he fit! But we did it!!!" It is no exaggeration that I had dreamed of a VBAC since the very day of Ainsley's birth. I don't know the number of hours that I have spent dreaming, visualizing, thinking about, worrying about having a VBAC. Some may never understand. Some may think I am/was nuts for having such desire. [Shoot! I did about 15 minutes before successfully having a VBAC!]

But this was one of the most proudest moments of my life.

Everything seemed perfect! Jacoby Joshua was the most handsome, albeit hairy, little man I had ever seen! He nursed like a champ!

All was right in the world!

The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, is to come in Jacoby's 1 week letter. 

Christmas Celebrations

Not all of our Christmas celebrations are through, but as behind as I am in blogging, I need desperately want to get some posts posted! This one of the best Christmases that I can remember. Of course last year was wonderful because it was last year on Christmas morning after keeping it a secret for 8 long days, I revealed to Chris that he was going to be a papa come August! And then out of his excitement we told our immediate families the same day! This was a fun, exciting, memorable Christmas, but of course we can't have that Christmas ever Christmas!!
This year was my worst Christmas in terms of preparation. On the nights of the 23rd, 24th, and 25th, Chris and I were up until at least 2:30am finishing up Christmas presents for the following days. One of my goals was to create at least one gift for everyone that I gave a gift to and with having school through the Wednesday before Christmas, I didn't make enough time to complete all my projects ahead of time.

So here we go, a run down of some of our Christmas celebrations this year!

[Immediate] Clum Family Christmas
We headed to my parents Christmas Eve Morning to exchange gifts with my sibilings, parents, and niece and nephew! After cinnamon rolls and orange juice, just like we've had every Christmas morning growing up, we opened gracious gifts and some homemade goodies! Afterwards we shared lunch before partially parting ways.

 Christmas Eve Evening: Christmas Eve my cousin Beth's little boy was baptized. Because of enjoyable fellowship with my sibilings, my parents, Chris, Ains, and I walked into the back of the church at 4:05, just in time to see Brayden baptized. Afterwards we headed to Aunt Sara's house for delicious munchies!

Great-Grandma Clum, Ains & I
Cousins Brayden, Samantha & Ainsley
Christmas Family Pic
Ainsley Jo

Christmas Morning: Christmas Morning Chris and I woke before church in order to exchange presents. Sleeping in until nearly 9am--which is almost shameful to admit for Christmas morning!!--we headed out to the living room to exchange gifts. Ainsley was wrapped up in a super soft Christmas blanket that we had received as a gift the day before from my sis-in-love and in her bouncer as we opened our gifts. Next year, I'm sure she'll be all about the gifts paper/boxes!

Momma * Hot Mess + Ains * Wide-eyed + Papa * Excitedly Cute = Christmas Morn

1/2 Massie Christmas: After opening our gifts between the two three of us, we headed to church and then to Chris' parents for Christmas with his parents and his sister's family. Both of his brothers were out of state on Sunday so Christmas with them are on different days. The boys were excited as they tore through their piles of gifts and enjoyed playing with many of them yet that afternoon!

Oh, and Micah likes to take pics so we had a mini photo shoot with my camera!

We're quite the photographer/model combo! :)

Big Clum Christmas: On the day after Christmas we headed to Greenville for the big Clum Christmas aka all my dad's side. My dad and aunt were in charge this year so I volunteered to have some games prepared for the group. I got all my ideas from this blog and they were all minute-to-win-it style games.



Make yourself into Rudolph.
With a pom-pom on a string and vaseline on your nose,
you've got a minute to get the pom-pom to stick!

Using only one hand make a pyramid
Christmas tree out of Red Solo Cups!





Funny story: My cousin's little boy [light green shirt] got up to the bench to make his pyramid. On your mark. Get set. Go! Without hesitation with only one hand he punched the stack of cups sending them across the gym floor and smiled indicating he was finished! I guess I should have explained the game a little better! :)



This one wasn't minute-to-win-it style. Instead one person with oversized gloves on tries to open the present
while everyone else is taking turns rolling doubles. Once someone rolls doubles, then that person gets
to take their turn at opening the gift. The catch is that there are about 5 boxes wrapped within the other boxes. My older brother was the only "adult" to participate, but I'm pretty sure that's because he knew there was a $25 gift certificate at stake.
He won! :)

Not everyone was able to attend, but we did have a good number so of course we need to take some family pics!

Top: Grandma Clum & all 5 of her children
Bottom: Grandma & 11 out of 16 grandchildren

17 of the 21 Great-Grandchilren

The Whole Clum Clan [in attendance--we were missing a few!]
Top: Smiles!
Bottom: Natural!

Lastly, Chris' favorite pic from the whole day!

Grandmomma-cita is excited
about a new book for Ains!

 As you can hopefully tell from all these pics, we have had a very wonderful Christmas! We were able to spend a lot of quality time with family and especially as I have grown a bit older more mature, I recognize that is what it is truly about!

And we still have two more Christmases! :)

Dear Ainsley [Week 7]

Dear Ains,

What a week it has been! On Wednesday, I went back to work for the first time. It was difficult, as I expected it would be, but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I teared up kissing you goodbye, missed you like crazy, and thought of you continually, but thankfully you were home with Papa so you were only a text away. You were in good hands and I was quite thankful! You ended up sleeping most of the day away and this, baby girl, I was not thankful for. When bedtime came you went to sleep but when you had your usual wake up instead of going right back to sleep like you’ve done all prior nights, you decided it was time to stay up and hang out for a good hour. I tried to tell myself that it was because you missed me and wanted to spend extra time with your momma, but in reality this was just to get my mind off the lack of sleep I was going to get that night. The next two days you spent with your Grandma Massie and had great days—and consequently nights—then too!

Wednesday night I decided to try out your cloth diapers! I was afraid they were a little big, but with the gifted disposable diaper stash running low, I figured I better start using cloth while I still had time to “take a break” with disposables! They seemed to fit fine but I was a little apprehensive as I took you to church in them. Typically on Wednesday nights as soon as I arrive you are handed off to someone—Grandmomma-cita, Grandma Cow, or even a sweet couple that sits behind us—this time I warned, “So I’m trying out the new diapering system tonight for the first time, I’m not responsible for blow outs!” :) Grandma Cow took you anyways! And there wasn’t a single blowout, so that was definitely a good thing [especially since I forgot to take a sack to put your dirty diaper in after I would’ve changed you. Hey it was my first night cloth diapering, give me a break!] We put you in your cloth diapers in the evenings during the week—we decided it’d be best to give your Grandma a couple days to adjust to having you before having to use the cloth diaps—and had you in them all day long this weekend! Let me say, so far, so good! You have the cutest tush in town! :)

Your cutie-batootie!
The giraffe diap is one of my favs!
And the cow print!
:)

In other news in Ainsley-world this week, you received your first hickey! Now in most cases I would not be smiling about this, and remember that when you are a teenager—hickies = trashy—it was pretty funny on you for two reasons: 1.) You’re 7 weeks old. 2.) You gave it to yourself! You see, so far, you haven’t really sucked your thumb. Even when you are hungry, you haven’t sucked your thumb but instead choose to suck your index finger or your wrist. Well this time at Grandma’s you must have decided your wrist would taste better because when I got you home I realized you had a big ol’ hickey on your wrist!! Such a silly girl!

You had your first major spit up!
Thankfully it was on Papa! ;)

This weekend we had a great time just being our lil’ family. Your papa even commented, “You know so many people act as if you lose your ‘life’ they have a baby, I feel like we gained life!” I couldn’t agree more! We are so lucky to have you in our life and to have new life because of you!

7 weeks old

Much love!

Dear Ainsley [Week 4]

Oh Ainsley!

You are now 4 weeks old and you've changed oh so much! Papa Bear and I have already spent time looking at your newborn pics and reminiscing how different life was 3.5 weeks ago! This week I want to highlight some milestones, so to speak, that you've accomplished.

You've discovered your voice.

Exercising your voice while wearing a
shirt that reads "my daddy makes me smile"!
:)

Prior to this week, you cried maybe a handful of times when you were hungry. but this week. you put your lungs to the test on several occasions. Your dad and I are still trying to figure out what your cries always mean, but that's going to take much more studying! :-) Most of the time, it's gas. (This is both reassuring--nothing is really wrong-- and frustrating--not much we can do to help!)

You have projectile spit-up.

Last Saturday (on your 3 week birthday) we were leaving wedding number 4. You were all strapped in to Grandmomma-cita's Lexus and we decided that would be a good time to show your new talent. I was afraid you'd choke on it so quickly got you out of your carseat--in hindsight this was a silly fear as it was afterall projectile vomit. It wasn't staying in your mouth to cause choking. Oh well, I got to hold you a bit and wear a bit of it myself! Oh, and good thing has leather seats Grandmomma loves you because it wiped clean and you can't even tell! Since then you've showed this skill a couple times since Saturday-- namely when Papa gave you a bottle while you were laying down. Bad life decision. All 5 ounces that went "down" came right back up! Forgive us too that we just put a bath towel over the damage instead of changing all the sheets that late at night!

We had a great week feeding.

Without many details, because I know others don't care to read about them, feeding you has been much more pleasureable! This is more of a relief that you will ever know... until you become a mom of course!

You're growing like a weed!

Great Grandma Cow, Ainsley, Sondra,
Grandmomma-cita & Stuart on
Grandmomma's 29th Birthday!

On Tuesday we celebrate Grandmomma's birthday with your aunt, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, and while you didn't enjoy the finger-lickin' chicken or specialty cheesecakes we did break out the baby scale and you weighed 10 lbs. 8 oz. already! That's just under a pound in only 4 days! This makes the mild discomfort of feeding you all worth it!

You like your momma!

4 weeks 1 day
Forgot to take a pic on Saturday between
the birthday party and OSU get together!

Now this may seem silly to mention because of course you like me! I mean who else feeds you around the clock, changes so many of your diaps--okay your dad probably changes more than I do--and is pretty much at your beckon call?! Well no one else of course, but there is something nice knowing that I am able to comfort you pretty much the best. Now at midnight when I'm ready for bed and you're fussing with Papa, I wish I didn't have that "skill", but nevertheless, I enjoy it. Especially last week it was difficult because I was feeling like I always had to do the dirty work aka feed you [uncomfortably], change you and comfort you and then once you were content someone was always "stealing" you so I didn't feel like I was getting to enjoy you as much as everyone else. Now though I don't have those feeling so much and simply enjoy those cuddling, comforting times.

Well baby girl, after four weeks life is pretty good, so I guess we'll keep you! ; )

Love you!
Your Momma

Dear Ainsley [Week 3]

Dear Ainsley,
I continue to love you more and more each day. You are so beautiful and perfect in every way and I know it's just beginning to bud, but already your little personality is developing.

Thursday we went to school [after I changed clothes because you squirted yellow poo all over me, again] so I could check in with my sub show you off and my coworkers were captivated by your beauty. I'm ready to go back to school because teaching is a passion of mine and I want to ensure my students are getting the best possible education, but I can't imagine leaving you yet. Even for just an hour I'm afraid I'd have some separation anxiety! I'm sure you'd be a champ, as you are a champ at everything! Too bad you can't be my personal assistant and come with me when I have to go back in less than a month! :S

After being at school, we had your '2 week' appointment. This week, especially in the middle of the  night when I'd need to pick you up to feed you and I was too lazy to sit up to do so, I could really tell that you had grown. The Doctor confirmed this thought and said you are growing in every way! You weighed in at 9 lbs. 12 oz.--a full 1 lb. 7 oz. increase since your appointment when you were but 5 days old-- and you have increased in length/height by 3/4 of an inch! Part of this was such a relief, not because I was afraid that you weren't growing since I could feel that, but because I was encouraged and reminded that I was the one who has been providing all that nutrition for you to grow like a lil' weed! Outside of a few drops of glucose water in the hospital, you haven't had a bit of nutrition [does gluclose water count as nutrition anyways?!] that hasn't came from me. I needed this bit of encouragement. It's a honor to be the one who feeds you and provides for you in that way, but it hasn't been easy nor enjoyable all the time. "It's not supposed to hurt" but yowzers, you're a little beracuda at times and your start up is a bit painful at times. Thankfully this is continuing to get better and just when I want to throw in the towel,  you are a champ and eat well painfree. I appreciate that, it's like you somehow know when I need things the most and you pull through for me.

Speaking of things I appreciate and your "sixth sense", even this morning your papa bear and I were praising you because of how great of a babe you are! Despite your momma not feeling so hot and only being able to feed you for a bit of time, you were content and peaceful until the next 3 hours had passed and it was time to eat again. This gave momma plenty of time to hang out on the pot try to make myself feel better! Your papa made the comment this morning that you make being a parent easy, and baby girl, it's still holding true. Do you sleep through the night, patiently wait to be fed after speaking that you're getting hungry, and then change your own diap? [That would make being a parent of a newborn super easy!] Not so much. You still wake every 4th hour ate night, sometimes your meal time is proceeded with some impatient wailing, and you poop on me instead of in your diaper, but all things considered you are one easy 3-week old precious baby girl!

Snuggled up in comfy clothes after another wedding!

Your papa and I love you to the moon and back and we are so thankful that we are your parents!

Momma & Ainsley Jo
3 weeks old

All my love baby girl.

Momma

P.S. Thanks to your feeding schedule, your papa and I were up at your official 3-week birthday and wished you a happy day at 3:17 a.m. this morning! :)

Dear Ainsley [2 Weeks]

Dear Sweet Baby Girl,
You are 2 weeks old today [I wrote this yesterday but did publish it : ) ] and while that time has gone by quickly, I can't imagine life without you. It seems as if you've always been a part of our family and the day you were born seems so long ago.


You've had quite the second week of life. You've been to 2 more church services--making this Sunday's service #5 in your lil' life. You've also been to Greenville to visit/meet your Great Grandma Clum. You've attended wedding #2 and 3 this week. You have also attended your first high school football games which the Bearcats toppled the Mustangs--I hope you enjoyed the game because we'll be attending many more as you get older I am sure!


This week you've also blown your Papa Bear and I away--almost literally--with the power of your little body. A nurse at the hopsital warned us that breastfed babies will have what sounds like ginormous bowel movements and then very little be in the diap [which makes sense because poo is waste and there is very little wasted from breastmilk.] You baby girl know how to rip 'em. You'll wake us from our sleep or catch our attention from the other room and I have to be honest your dad and I are like ten year old boys and still laugh hysterically. I'm not laughing when your diap is off and you decide to let loose though. :S


Sseriously though I love being your momma. You bring such joy to everyone you encounter and an indescribable joy to me. In the 2 short weeks of your life, I feel like you've grown and changed so much and taught me so much. Being your momma is easy to do because you're such a great baby. People ask all the time how were adjusting, and really, you make that adjustment way easier than I imagined it would be. I've already warned your papa on several occasions that your younger sibiling will likely be a terror because you're so wonderful and pleasant. Let's hope not but you've set the standard pretty high! Your papa is worried about having baby number 2 because he doesn't want favorites and can't imagine you not being his favorite. [You're quite lucky to have a dad so in love with you!]

Ains & Momma after cousin Josh's wedding
2 weeks old

I love you sweet baby girl! And you are already growing up way too fast! Slow down, I'm trying not to blink!


Much love,
Your Momma

Dear Ainsley... Week 1

Dear Sweet Baby Girl,

You are now one week old. It has been the quickest and longest week all in one. I didn't realize I could learn so much in one week, nor did I realize that I could experience so many emotions in such a short period.

Ainsley Jo are absolutely beautiful. You completely captivate me. I have never had a desire so great than to be the best for you. When you snuggle into a ball and nuzzle into my chest there is no where else I'd rather be. I get lost watching your breath and hearing you coo. I know that you aren't consciously smiling at me, but I can't help but imagine you are.

We have not only a crib for you, but a cradle in our room for you to sleep in each night. last night was the first you slept in your cradle--and that was just for a couple hours--because I can't stand having you that far away. I want you on my chest or on Papa Bear's chest or even laying between the two of us. I know this is a habit we'll need to break, but for now, you'll continue to sleep with us.

When you were first born, I felt cheapened. I felt jipped. I felt like I didn't get to experience the bonding that I would've had had you not been born via c-section. All I wanted to do was to immediately have you on my chest after your entrance into the world, I wanted that bond that I read about. But instead when you were born I couldn't even see you immediately, everyone else in the room was able to welcome you with smiles [under their masks of course] and lay their eyes on your beauty. I could only hear you and them. It was so hard. Once you were finally brought back to our hospital room, I was thankful that then I was able have that time just you and mommy. As you laid on my chest while the rest of the world was asleep, you suddenly filled my broken heart. As your momma, I'm the one who is supposed to meet your needs, but in that moment, you met my needs as no one else could.

I no longer feel cheapened or jipped. I feel like the luckiest woman on the earth. I know as you continue to grow, you will continue to astonish me with your sweet spirit.

I love you, Ainsley Jo, my sweet baby girl.

Love,
Momma

P.S. You already have your dad complete wrapped around your finger. ;) Your bond with him is equally as beautiful.

1st Night Home
One Happy Family

Goal #24: Ainsley Jo

*Note: Part of this post is definitely TMI for some of y'all. If you aren't sure you want to hear all about my business, then I can sum up the entire post in the following sentence:


Ainsley Jo Massie was born at 3:17am on Saturday, August 27th via Cesarean section weighing 8 lbs. 12 oz and 21 in. long. :)


I was excited to sleep in on Friday morning. We were to the fair late the night before but I didn't mind because I knew I didn't have to get up until 8:30 Friday. Since I had a 9:15 doc appt I wasn't going to go into school until afterwards. 

6:20 am. [The time my alarm usually goes off.]

My beached-whale self rolled over in bed. I instantly had to go to the bathroom. #2. I was going to wait it out and hope that it was just the lil' one shifting and if I laid there long enough another shift would come and I could continue to sleep. Then I felt a "bloop" down there, so I figured I better go to the bathroom. 

I won't give details but I went to the bathroom and it felt funny. Looking in the porcelain bowl, it looked funny too. Standing in front of the sink, I felt another trickle uncontrollably come. Holy cow! I think my water broke! It was all kind of surreal and I had convinced myself that my water breaking wouldn't be the first sign of my labor as it only is in 10% of pregnancies [this was largely in part to reassure myself that it wouldn't just happen all of a sudden while standing in front of a classroom full of high schoolers!] Without any contractions and just mild cramping, I went back to bed, told Mister what happened and then tried to sleep. I was going to just wait it out until my doc's office opened and then call and find out what they wanted me to do. 

Of course I couldn't sleep, thinking about how soon I'd get to meet our lil' one, and I was visiting the bathroom every few minutes to make sure this wasn't all a dream, so I got up, took a shower, got dressed, packed our hospital bags, did the dishes, and waited, and waited. A little before 8 o'clock, I woke Chris and asked him to get ready because I was about to call the doc to find out what I need to do. As he showered and such, the doc's office said to go on in to the hospital. Because I still wasn't really in labor, I told Chris he'd likely want to get something for breakfast because who knew what the eating arrangements/timeframe would be from here on out! This comment combined with saying for the last 9 months that I wanted to wait at home as long as possible before heading to the hospital nearly killed me. Chris made himself some pancakes and I swear ate them as. slow. as. possible! It wasn't that long, but I was antsy and only once did I threaten to go to the hospital without him! :)

One last pre-baby picture.

Off to the hospital, arriving a little after 9am, I told the nurse my story. The majority of the time she just smiled shaking her head. Come to find out there was a lady across the hall with pretty much the same story, same doctor, but I was due the Monday before and she was due the coming Monday. I told the nurse that we called each other and planned it all out. Anyways they do a quick little swab to test for amniotic fluid. If it turns blue-black, your water has broken. The nurse--she was a little nutty, but a lotta fun-- mentioned a few things that could cause a false-positive but explained that they have a microscope in the other room to know for sure. One quick swab, instantly black. The nurse chuckled, commented that she was going to save this one to show some of the newer nurses was a strong positive looks like, and then turned to Chris and said, "Nailed it!" Oh geesh! :)

The next few hours were pretty uneventful. We ate applesauce, jello, a few crackers [shh!] and drank juice--thank you clear liquid diet. We laid on the bed and watched Tangled on Netflix. We made U after U on the L & D floor and pretty much just waited for something to happen. 



Chris found entertainment in that my
feet didn't touch the ground during my
hundreds of visits to the bathroom!

And then it did.

Contractions were getting stronger and stronger. At first, they were simply noticeable, and then the were mildly uncomfortable, then pretty dang uncomfortable, and then finally down right painful. In the uncomfortable stage I told Chris that it felt like I had awful period cramps--which wasn't a good explanation that he could relate to--mixed with incredible indigestion after eating way too much Mexican! I felt like I was doing pretty well handling the pain with movement, shower, exercise birthing ball etc. but when the nurse indicated that she could give me a little something to take the edge off, I waited just a bit longer because she said it's really only effective for about an hour and I knew I had longer than an hour to go and then asked for it!! I was just about to 7 cm when they gave me "staydol" to take the edge off. They warned me that I'd feel like I was drunk.

After giving me the med they came back a few minutes later to me crying in the hospital bed. "What's wrong, Rachel?!" I *sniff* can't *sniff* see straight *sniff sniff*!! I had complete double vision and felt like someone was pushing on both sides of my head. With almost a chuckle, they responded, "But we told you, you'd feel like you were drunk." "But I've *sniff* never *sniff* been drunk before *sniff*!" In hindsight it was pretty funny, but in the moment, I wasn't seeing much humor and just asked "Why would anyone do this to themselves?!" This did help take the edge off a bit, as long as I closed my eyes so that I didn't get dizzy and we continued to progress through the contractions. 

At about 8cm, the nurse started talking about pitocin because of how long my water had been broken. I said if you are giving me pitocin, you are giving me an epidural. I didn't even care to think about the intensity of contractions caused by pit without one. So I got a low dose of epidural, and that was nice. Then I got the pitocin, and that was awful!! It felt as if I never had the epidural. The nurse said I was still going to feel pressure, but not pain. This was definitely P.A.I.N. I asked for the anesthesiologist to come back and give me more. I knew he was originally called out of my room for an emergency, life or death, operation somewhere else in the hospital, but in that moment, I felt like the most selfish person ever because I simply didn't care. I told Chris--and only Chris, not the nurses and such--that I didn't care that there was a man potentially dying somewhere, I wanted that epidural! It seemed like an eternity before he returned and in reality I have no idea how long it was, but he did return, apologized for his delay, and then all my pain--not the pressure--was gone! I could handle this!

At about 9:30/10, I was a fuzz away from 10cm and so the nurse had be start to push in order to literally push myself to 10cm. The nurse commented I should have this baby in my arms by midnight. And so the pushing began. I pushed to 10. And then I pushed to get the lil' one's head turned properly. And then it was time to start pushing "for real". At about 11/11:30, true pushing began. With every contraction [or twinge of pressure because I couldn't really feel them] I'd push with all my might. The nurse commented that I was a really good pusher, which was exciting to me as that was a goal of mine. [More specifically a goal was to do #2 on while pushing because at our birthing class they said if you do #2, then that means you are pushing correctly! According to that theory, I pushed correctly at least twice. ;)]

Our lil' bundle was so close to entering this world that Chris could see the top of her head, with hair, and the nurse said I was a knuckle's distance away! About 2 am, and 2 hours of serious pushing with each contraction, my doc came in and said she didn't think this babe was going to come out this way. She gave the option of c-section at that point or continuing to push a bit longer, but 3 hours of pushing was kind of her limit for moms.

We decided to continue to push.

Nearing 3 hours of pushing and 3am, our lil' one still wasn't delivered. What was happening was with each contraction/push, I would push her down to nearly out and then as soon as I let up, she would go all the way back up. She was like a little turtle baby. If I would happen to push her and get her head out, likely her shoulders would get stuck and cause damage in that way.

It wasn't worth the risk.

We decided on a c-section and they began to prep us for it. I asked Chris to text my mom and let her know. Much to my surprise they were already at the hospital and just waiting for the call to be able to come back [since we thought this babe would be here by midnight for sure!]. Since they were already there, I asked for her to come back to my room. I needed the reassurance that only a mom can give that we were making the right decision and while absolutely pretty much nothing had gone the way I had hoped, in the end our healthy and safe baby in our arms and my health and safety was all that really mattered.

She, as well as Chris of course, gave me that reassurance.

They prepped me for the c-section and one of the things I had to do was drink this little shot of bitter something-or-another that is supposed to neutralize my stomach so I wouldn't get sick during the operation. Well it definitely prevented me from getting sick during the operation because I empty everything out of my system after only getting the bitters halfway swallowed. I puked everywhere. And continued to puke until I was dry heaving. Lovely I know. And the best part was I had a little kidney bean tray they had given me while I was pushing in case I felt sick and that bitty tray was expected to catch everything. Not so much.

After drying me off and finishing prepping me for the OR, they said that the operation would take about 1 hour and then another hour in recovery and then people--aka my parents-- would be allowed in my room. The c-section was a very odd experience as anyone who has had one can attest. You can feel pressure, tugging, and movement, but you don't feel any pain, nor do you really know what's going on as there is a screen at your chest blocking all view. I would roll my eyes around to try to see what I could around my head. My upper body--which had feeling--was still shaking as it had been for the past 5 hours of labor even though my arms were strapped down at nearly 90 degree angles at both sides. I felt like everyone knew and could see what was going on except me.

Within just a dozen or so minutes at 3:17am, I heard Dr. Medina tell Chris, "Take a picture of your new daughter!!"

Ainsley Jo's first photo.
Delivered by Dr. Medina via c-section at 3:17am.

He did and then showed me the pic--what would we have done without technology!--and then they took our lil' girl with a healthy set of lungs on her over to the weighing/clean up station. What seemed like forever but was likely just a few minutes, the nurse brought our Ainsley Jo over to my head to I could lay eyes on her for the first time.

Family Photo

This too was a time that is quite difficult to explain. I was excited, but I was emotionally numb. It was so difficult to continue to be "worked on" as everyone else was looking at and talking about my daughter. I wanted to see her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to talk all about her. Eventually they took her away to clean her up and do the basic checks as they finished putting me back together. They said she'd be brought to my room within a few minutes of my return there. Chris stayed with me as they finished everything in the OR.

About 4am I was back in my room for my "recovery" period aka annoying period. I was still shaking and everyone thought I was cold so they'd put crap on me, but in reality I was burning up. Annoying. I had the oxygen tubing up my nose. Annoying. I had leg compressions even though within 15-20 minutes I could move my legs on my own. Annoying. The nurse wasn't the friendliest or most competent accommodating. Annoying. I was in pain--my back was on fire from exhausted muscles from all the pushing I had done. Annoying. When finally I declared, "Ah no! I'm not cold! I'm hot and everything is just annoying!" the lovely nurse went and got a wet washcloth and put it on my forehead. I. hate. that. To me that just makes everything worse because it makes me feel sweatier and grosser. Within a few seconds, I looked and Chris and demanded asked, "Get that thing off of me, now!"

At this point, I just wanted to be unhooked from everything and hold my baby girl. My parents were permitted to come back to my room very shortly after I was in there--they didn't have to wait the hour--and we were just waiting on Ainsley. At this point though, we hadn't told my parents if they were welcoming a grandson or a granddaughter. [Chris called his parents at home after my c-section to let them know. It was cute to later learn that he got a bit choked up telling his dad that he now had a daughter. Such a tender, loving dad within the first few minutes!] With my parents though since we were told Ainsley would be brought to my room within a few minutes of me being there, we wanted them to see her to find out what she was.


Well it took forever! Nearly 45 minutes later, they finally brought her to our room. My dad immediately saw the pink "It's a girl!" card on her cart. I just wish I had a video of my mom's face when she made the realization!! :D

Grandpa & Grandmomma-cita Clum
I think it was worth the wait! :)

After meeting her maternal grandparents, and spending a bit of time with her papa, my parents left, Chris fell asleep on the couch, and I was finally able to have that special bonding time. Just momma and baby girl. I laid awake for the next 4 hours just holding her and snuggling my baby girl. This is what it is all about.

Bonding time with my baby girl!

About 9am Saturday morning, I woke Chris and we got ready for our visitors to come and meet our beautiful addition to the family.

Absolutely infatuated by his new princess!
He's already the best papa, sorry other dads!
:)

All in all this experience was nothing like I thought it would be, except in the end I--healthy--was able to hold my healthy, beautiful baby girl. And really I learned, in the end, that's all that matters!!

[Oh and because I was in the hospital, I also didn't use any gas for two days which was goal #47. I'm counting it as a goal accomplished but am going to try and accomplish it again more out of my own will!]

Emotional [Sun]day

Pretend you are reading this on Sunday; I’m a bit late posting. :)

Today was an unexpectingly emotional day. It’s Father’s Day and since it’s Sunday, Chris and I headed to church. We went to Sunday School and then across the parking lot to church. As we entered into church there was a commercial video playing about Man-dles aka candles with man scents. Think locker rooms, jock straps, and cut grass. It was quite humorous, but that's where the humor ended.

The choir sang a song [which I don’t remember what it was called] and while they were singing there was a video playing that depicted an elderly couple sitting on their couch looking through an album recapping their lives. Cute, in love elderly couples always pull at my heartstrings, but this day was particularly pulling. As I watched this couple on the big screen, I thought about how each of my grandmas were sitting alone for the first time in decades on this Father’s Day. I couldn’t even imagine. It was hard to think about. By the end of the song, with a couple deep breaths, the tears had dried up, but the thoughts were still running ramped.

Then Pastor Jonathan sang a song about a relationship between a father and a son and how the dad wants to be sure to live his life like Christ’s because he knows that his little boy wants to be just like his dad and dad wants the little boy to be like Christ. Go on, pull at my heart some more. Instead of the somber thoughts of my grandmas being without their husbands and my parents both being without their fathers for the first Father’s Day in their lives, my mind went to how in 2 short months, Chris will be that dad, and the joy that that thought brings. I am so confidence in his role as a father and I’m sure just as often that I catch myself smiling gazing at our lil’ babe, I’ll catch myself gazing at Chris interacting with our babe! I’m already guilty of that when he interacts with our niece and nephews. :) So there were some [more] tears there, but I’m pretty sure I saw some welling up in Mister’s eyes as well having similar thoughts.

Pastor Charlie preached and then concluded the service with a challenge. He charged all the married men in the church to come forward. Now usually at this point there are maybe a handful of people who go forward for one reason or another, but this morning was different. Nearly immediately Chris and many, many other men went forward to pray. I’m not 100% sure what it was, but there is something about men being men and standing up to lead that hits deep. As Pastor Charlie continued to challenge the men, more and more came to the front. It was awesome. To be completely real, what he said to them, was probably the best words that I have ever came out of his mouth. It was like I was a fly on the wall that was able to hear men talk heart to heart and challenge each other to be better—better men, better husbands, better friends, better fathers. I could sit in on that conversation every Sunday day!

Lastly after church Chris helped me pack for a week in Grand Rapids. I have training for school through Friday and while I know that it’ll be good and productive, I hate the idea of being away from Chris so long! Ten miles out, I had some tears welling.

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And now it is Tuesday, and I wished that/feel like it should be at least Thursday. I miss home. I miss Chris. I’m going to continue to try to get everything out of this conference so I can be best prepared—well so that I can best prepare my long-term sub—for the kick off to the year and beyond, but Friday at noon I'll be celebrating all of my 3.5 hour drive home! I may even make it home in less time! :)