A trip home

10 years ago.

Laying backwards in my bed. Trying to catch up on my assigned The Hiding Place reading for Mrs. McMichael’s class the next morning.

My mom comes to my room and shares news about my classmate. I shook my head trying to clear the confusion and shake back to reality. She said the same thing, again.

It couldn’t be true.

I went next door to my friend’s house to confirm the news.

It was true.

I went to Spencerville today and my mind flashed back to that night ten years ago—the night that my classmates and I grew up and closer as we mourned the loss of a friend.

I thought about the lessons we learned and the memories we shared. I thought about what seemed so important then and what matters now. Being a high school teacher, I feel as I’m in a bit of a unique position to watch that cycle play over and over again. My student’s experiences are so incredibly different than my experiences. In so many ways, I wish for my students to have my experiences. Today, I think I realized why.

Friday nights dressed ridiculously in order to support the best team, even if that meant we lost.

Life lessons in Calculus that began with, “When you’re in college, friends are going to come and ask you to go out for root beer and…”

Dressing up for every basketball game, never passing but always handing off the ball to the ref, and striving to create a repetition of a class act.

Reciting commitments to “Make the best better” and “…pledge my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my health to better living, for my club, my community, my country and my world.“

While that only scratches the surface of what flooded my mind as I drove back to Lima today, I realized the building blocks of my foundation. It was more than team spirit and clubs. It was life lessons. Lessons that impact my life.

I don’t know that those teachers and leaders knew then when they shared stories or managed their classrooms how often tidbits flash before me still now 10+ years later. But they do. They are an inner voice. A reminder. A goal to strive for.

I guess that’s what brings me back to my students. It has been a trying year. A very trying year. One class period makes me want to quit my job nearly daily. A combination of that and upperclassmen making “next step” decisions, I’ve been asked a lot, “Why did you become a high school teacher anyway?!” In many moments I want to respond, “I don’t even know.”

But today, I was reminded.

I want to be a part of the building block foundation for my students’ lives. I want them to know that they are cared for. I want them to know what it means to be passionate and committed, even if that happens in the 53 minutes they are in my class each day. I want them to know that they are a part of something bigger.

I want it to be 5 or 10 years later and they make the right decision because of an inner voice, a reminder, a goal, a lesson from my classroom. 

{8} 101 in 1001 Goal Updates

I thought I wasn't doing so hot on my 101 goals to accomplish in 1001 days, but in reality it looks like I'm just not doing well blogging about them! I counted 'em up and have EIGHT to update!

5.     Drink no pop for 6 months.
This one wasn't too hard as I have gone longer without pop. It was more difficult to remember that I wasn't supposed to drink it than it was to say no to it. Other than the cherry pops--Cherry Coke, Cherry Pepsi, Cherry 7up--I don't really miss pop too much. So compared to how bad it supposedly is for ya, it's no biggie to say no! [I can't remember the last time I had it actually.]

23.   Get a professional massage.
February 2nd. While at my second chiropractor visit [in my life in prep to make sure all was in alignment for Jacoby to slide squeeeeeeze out] I scheduled an hour massage by the massage therapist that shares an office with him. It was nice. It was relaxing. It was worth it. [Especially since the office still hasn't sent me the bill!] The oddest part was with my normal massage therapist aka the wonderful mister I give a lot more direction--a little to the left, harder there, not so hard there--but with this appointment, I just let her do her thang!

29.   Only trim hair until lil’ bean’s first birthday.
I'm bad about regularly getting my hair trimmed and usually just get it cut [2-3 inches]. I mean you pay the same amount whether you get half an inch or half a foot chopped off. Doesn't seem quite right. Anyways, I made this goal to prevent a spur of the moment chopping... and I did it. It wasn't until 3 months after Ainsley's birthday that I had more than a trim. 

49.   Blog a personal/life update once a month for 6 months.
Well since Ainsley and Jacoby are our life. Just click on those tabs to check out those updates. :)

Handsome lil' man

Miss Personality & Mister

66.   Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years.
Sign. Sealed. Delivered--to-our-basket-of-important-things-that-I-don't-want-to-lose. I actually already forget what I wrote and suddenly look forward to reading it!

71.   Go ice-skating.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Mister and I traveled to Chicago for the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics Conference. It was the first time for us both to be away from Ainsley overnight and served as a bit of a babymoon before Jacoby's arrival. While there, we went ice skating at Millennium Park! We enjoyed ourselves and could easily tell the difference between newbies aka US and experienced skaters aka those circling us as they whizzed by! Neither of us fell either which was good considering I was 6 months preggo!

88.   Send an anonymous note of encouragement/flowers.
I did it. November 2011. I intentionally didn't blog about this one since it was to be anonymous. :)

And last, but certainly not least!
After today's 5k and playing at the park, we headed home. By the time we got home, the two little ones were asleep and after showering, Mister quickly crashed as well. And so I decided I might as well accomplish another goal!

92.   Grow out hair and donate it.

Before

After

 [Sorry! I don't know why they've formatted funkily!]

Pantene's Beautiful Lengths has 9+ inches of Rachel hair!

And there ya have it! Almost halfway to accomplishing all my goals!

Dear Jacoby [3 weeks]

Dear Little Man,

Thanks to you, I am relearning what it means to slow down and allow life to direct my schedule. In some ways, I have forgotten what it's like to be on "newborn time"--a planned time to leave is quickly adjust to a feeding time or a diaper change time or a snuggle for a few more moments time. And little man, what I am being reminded more than anything is that is okay. If becoming a momma has taught me something, it has been patience and perspective.

Not that I would've considered myself a patient person prior to you and your sis--I just faked putting up with people at times!--since you've come into my world, my patience has definitely grown. Thank you for that and know that there will be plenty of days in the future when you are getting into something for the 100th time or dumping out the basket of toys I just put away, when you think my patience is non-existent. Just be thankful that you aren't dealing with "pre-momma patience"!

This past week, your sis has gone out to Grandma & Grandpa Massie's leaving just you and me at home. This was in part to have one-on-one time with you, and also time that I could more easily work on grad school work. Day one of you and me time: Zero grad work accomplished. Day 2? An outline of a task--that took way longer than I spent on it. Again, lil' man, I look into your tiny, bright eyes, count your ten long fingers and ten tiny toes, and am reminded, it's okay.

Ten perfect fingers.
Ten perfect toes.
Perfectly snuggled on my chest.

It's okay if my grad work takes longer than it should. It's okay if the dishes from the night before that your Papa washed because I didn't get to yesterday are still sitting clean in the sink. It's okay if I just kick the toys stung about the floor to the side, instead of actually making time to pick them up and put them into their proper place. It's okay if you and Ainsley's bedroom floor looks like it's made of books because we read through every.single.one with you and your sis filling my lap. It's okay if I feel like I've qualified for the Boston Marathon simply because we've all were bathed and in clean clothes and I actually do clean dirty dishes before your papa got home from work.

It's okay.

More than that, I'm reminding myself that it's wonderful! It's great because skipping out on completing the various tasks of housekeeping or [some days] getting dressed before 4pm means that I am not skipping out on you and Ainsley. Taking care of you while watching Ainsley grow and development is an evident reminder that before I know it, you will be running around, climbing on the kitchen table, saying "pleeeease" and "'ank youuu" while asking for "more" and to "waaaaatch" Monster Inc. It seems like yesterday we brought Ainsley home from the hospital and she's grown so quickly! I know you are going to grow just as quickly, so if passing on the dishes means that I get to soak up your presence more, then the dishes will wait--even if that means I have to kill of the ants they'll collect in ten minutes!

Ainsley wanted to hold you [laying down]
 before bed one night!

You are worth it.

Love you, Little Stud! You are my pause button in life.

-Momma

P.S. Lil' man--I can't tell you how many times, I've found myself saying/thinking, "How was all of that [you!] in there [my belly]?!" with the follow-up thought, "How did that come out of there?!" Babies are a miracle of life. You are a miracle of life.

The 2 Main Men in my Life

on our hospital stay

As you know from the content of our past posts, we welcomed our first son Jacoby Joshua into the world on March 7th. He ended up needing to be in the special care nursery for the first week of his life and it was hard on everyone.

This was likely the most lonely week of my life.

Not only did we not have answers to what was going on so there was an element of suspension and fear of what was around the corner, it seemed as if the weight of the world had to be carried by Mister and I alone.

While I know this wasn't completely true, it was undeniably my feelings and sometimes feelings are more real than reality.

We were in the hospital for a total of 8 days, and beyond our immediate families had 3 family members, 4 friends visit and 4 pastors visit. [I deeply appreciate all of those visits!] As I sent out updates throughout the days so everyone could know what was going on with lil' Jacoby, our family would mention wanting to visit but not impede on our time as a family there.  This couldn't have been further from what I wanted. Each time, I'd assure them they were not impeding and we'd I'd LOVE to have them come up and visit. At times they would visit, knowing that they may only get a few minutes to hold Jacoby or even only be able to see him in the nursery, but they still came. Their presence was my strength in some moments.

Especially as the days passed by, we knew Jacoby was in the clear, and we were simply waiting on the the full dose of the antibiotics to run its course, the days were so.long.

One evening my mom was visiting, holding our lil' man as Chris ran out to pick up some supper. As I laid on the couch, tears welled up. I was so tired of being in the hospital. I was so tired of feeling alone. I just wanted to leave--all four of us to leave together as a family.

This wasn't the first--or the last--time I shed tears. Tears of confinement. Tears of loneliness. Tears of frustration.

I tried to remind myself to be grateful that what we were going through was just a sliver of what some other parents we know have had to go through at the birth of their children.

I tried to remind myself that even though our life was on hold, everyone else's continued to rush by with each passing day.

I tried to remind myself that no one was intentionally wanting me to feel this way.

It was lonely. It was hard. But now? It's over. We are all home together and I am grateful.

Dear Jacoby [1 week]

Dear Jacoby,

It's been one week since you were readily and excitedly welcomed into this world by so many people who love you!

It was one week that I never want to repeat again.

Shortly after your birth, a nurse informed me that you were breathing a little fast and that your blood sugar was a little low. She asked if I was ready to nurse you--I was--because commonly lower blood sugar can cause the rapid breathing. After you nursed like a champ for a bit, she retested your blood sugar--it had increased from 47 to 61. A move in the right direction. Later she tested it again and it had balanced out quite well so that was no longer a concern. Yet your respirations were still heightened a bit.

The nurse did the normal routine in the labor and delivery room, then we were all moved to the recovery room. All the while, the nurses continued to monitor your respirations. You met your Grandpa & Grandmomma-cita Clum, Uncle Zac, Aunt KK, Aunt Jess, Grandma & Grandpa Massie, and of course your big sis Ainsley that evening. Then the nurses informed me that your respirations had continued to speed up [up to 88/min.; 60/min is the top normal limit] and you were going to have to spend the evening in the special care nursery.

This.was.so.hard.

We followed you down to the nursery where they informed us that you were going to be hooked up to monitors to keep a close eye on your pulse, heartbeat, and of course respirations. Additionally you were going to be receiving an iv with antibiotics because heighten respirations could be caused by an infection. You were also in an incubator that only had the two openings on each side to reach in and touch you.

Many tears were shed as a result of seeing you like this.

Basically, there were multiple small red flags that meant you could have an infection--Group B positive but didn't receive antibiotic the full 4 hours prior to delivery, heightened respirations, heightened  C-Reactive Protein Levels which indicates an inflammation in the body which could mean that there is an infection--all of these warranted getting an iv antibiotic and just like for adults, it's best to take let the antibiotics run its full course versus stopping once the symptoms have ceased.

On that first night, I went down to nurse you for your 2am feeding. I think I spent the majority of that feeding time with tears streaming down my face. What was going on? What could I do? I would do anything to help you and not have you hooked up to everything, but there was absolutely nothing I could do. I composed myself to put you back in the incubator before making my way back to my room. Part way back I lost it again. I was quite worked up as I entered my room, waking your papa as I entered. You see Papa had had bronchitis and so after a not-so-thoughtful comment from a nurse, we assumed he wasn't able to see you in the nursery. Add this fact to seeing you how you were, I couldn't handle it.

A very thoughtful nurse came in a few minutes later and asked if there was anything she could do for us. Through the tears, I explained how hard it was to see you how you were without knowing what was going on and that to make it even worse, your own Papa couldn't even go back to visit. She assured us that you were receiving good care and said that even Papa was welcomed to go back to you. Had we not have told her he was sick, she wouldn't have even known.

This set my heart a bit at ease.

The next morning [Friday], you had some tests run and two things came back abnormal--your bilirubin count was a little high [jaundice] and your CRP [C-Reactive Protein in the blood which indicates inflammation] was at 4.3. The normal level from CRP is less than 1.0 and it should be less than 0.4. The doctor said you could come off the oxygen--it was at 30% over night and then 21% which is what normal air is that day--and they would retest your bilirubin levels that evening. The doctor's report reiterated what we were already told--individually things didn't look too bad, but there were too many small red flags to ignore. 

Your bilirubin levels continued to increase so you had to be put under the bililights to help break down the bilirubin in your blood. Your papa and his parents were the first to see you under the lights that evening. It was very difficult for them. Hopefully you'll never have to experience it with your own children one day, but the feeling of helplessness as you laid in the incubator was one that I wish no one to have to experience.

Friday evening was extremely hard. We were so overwhelmed yet had no answers. You looked so helpless hooked up to so many monitors. We felt so helpless not being able to do anything for you. 

Saturday morning your CRP levels had dropped to 2.4; the oxygen was finally taken off your nose--even though the doc said that could be done the previous day; you were placed into an open crib versus the incubator. This was two-fold. You could be closer to the bililights and it wouldn't be as warm since your temp was slightly elevated. This was a sigh of relief. Off oxygen and into an open crib meant everything appeared more normal. 

Quick snuggles while you weren't
under the lights.

Despite the improvements, Saturday's doc report was one of the hardest to hear. Up until this point we had been under the impression that you would be in the special care nursery through Monday. The doc informed us you would have to have a full 7 days of iv antibiotics. We weren't going anywhere until Thursday. Ugh. 

The positive news at this point was that you were permitted to come to my room every 3 hours for 30 minutes for feedings. This allowed for others to burp you and hold you as we stretched the 30 minutes into 45 minutes each time. It was so hard not to!

Everyone soaked up the moments
you were able to be in our room.
Notice IV in head.

Saturday night was another rough evening. I was technically discharged and your Papa went home with your big sis so she could have some normalcy. Being alone in the hospital, worried about you, worried about your Papa, worried about your sis. The feeling of helplessness continued--different answers from different people; not knowing the next steps or even options.

On Sunday, your iv [which was now in your head] was leaking during feeding so they took out and going to replace. I stayed for the de-taping and it wasn't as bad as I thought it may be with all that tape in all that hair. You definitely didn't enjoy it though! That afternoon an IV was restarted in your hand. [At this time, you had a continuous drip of D-10--sugar water--and then twice a day was actually receiving your medications of ampicillin and gentamicin.] Perhaps starting Monday we were given the hope that you can be done with the continuous drip and depending on the bilirubin count, you may be able to be in our room, except for overnight. On the flip side, if your bilirubin levels come back higher tomorrow [today was 13something], we may have to stop the nursing altogether so you can be under the lights the maximum time possible and formula "clings" to the bilirubin and helps it pass through your system. To help with your time under the lights, on Sunday we only did every other feeding in my room--better than nothing.

Three Generations of Massie Men.

Monday morning at your 5am feeding you only ate for a quick 15 minutes but then thanks to chit-chatting with a nurse, we had and hour of glorious snuggle time! I was just hoping and praying that I wasn't given this extra time because you were going to be restrained to the bililights and formula for the next 24 hours.

Your bilirubin count was lower this morning!! [11 something] Wahoo!!

Under the bililights, clinging to Papa's finger.

Today's doc report pretty much said what I was expecting. Bilirubin is moving in the right direction so I can continue to nurse. We'll continue with the bililights today and hopefully tomorrow an adjustment to the amount of time you have to be under them can be adjusted. He said that he's waiting on the results from my placenta to see if there was any indication of infection there. I didn't realize that was something they were even looking at, but IF there happens to be a sign of infection, your antibiotics will likely be extended to 10 days instead of 7.

This was mildly frustrating as it was another "Surprise! We're monitoring this too!" As your Grandma Great expressed upon receiving this update, "What are they going to say next?!"

So that's exactly what I asked the nurse practitioner during your next feeding. She informed me that they were supposed to be getting results from the placenta yet it was never sent for whatever reason and is still sitting in the fridge so they aren't going to worry about it at this point. So the iv extension can't be made based on that. After your 2pm feeding, they capped off your iv so you're no longer on the sugar water drip and will only be hooked up to the iv machine twice a day (noon and midnight) when you are getting your antibiotics for about an half hour each time. Throughout the night, we're going to keep him under the lights and another bilirubin count will be done in the morning. The CNP said we could take you off the lights today but would rather "blast" the jaundice as much as possible first. So starting tomorrow [Tuesday], you should be in room with me with the iv capped off except for 2x/day meds. 

Down to just an iv in his foot.

Starting Tuesday, that's exactly what happened. Except for your noon meds and overnight, you were in my room. Finally time to hold and snuggle you without the tension of keeping you out from under he lights or like I was "supposed" to hold you! And others got to too!! When it came to life with, this is what I was expecting since day one and although it took 5 days to get to this point, I was so, so glad we had made it to this point.

Grandma & Grandpa Massie, Papa & Jacoby

At this point, I began counting down the hours until we'd be released!

Grandpa & Grandmomma Clum, Momma, Ainsley, & Jacoby

5 IVs [one in each hand, one in your foot and two in your head], oxygen in your nose, breathing/heart monitors, bililights with foam glasses. Overall, they never found anything wrong with you--I could've told them that since you're our perfect lil' man--and they treated you for a suspected infection. The other little red flags of Group B positive, quick respirations, and CRP levels made it so that they couldn't ignore all the factors put together. The CNP commented that everything could have been caused by you having a little mucus caught in the back of your throat and you didn't know how to clear it, but better safe than sorry! [While I agree that I'd rather be safe than sorry when it comes to you or your sister, this is a phrase I was so.sick.of hearing by the end of the week! And I'll have to remind myself of that when I get the hospital bill!]  

Off all the monitors and just has a capped IV.

We were able to bring you home Thursday afternoon. It never felt so good to be home in all my life. You, Ainsley, Papa and me. All together. All home. Just as it was supposed to be!

Love
Momma!

P.S. I know this is long and not likely what you will care to read about when you get older, but it was what consumed the first week of your life and so I had to note it all as it was such a long week for all of us. 

Jacoby Joshua

Just like when I wrote about my experience of bring Ainsley Jo into the world, some of the details in this post may be TMI for some of y'all. If you think that may be you, here's the Spark Notes version:

Jacoby Joshua Massie was welcomed into the world via VBAC at 2:28pm on Thursday, March 7th, 2013. He weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces and was 21 1/4 inches long.

After my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, I was excited about the news that while I was still 3 cm dialated, I had made progress in every other area: more effaced, cervix was no longer posterior but "mid", and my bag of waters was "bulging". This was exciting for me, but at the same time, since I had taken Ainsley to the doc that morning and ended up with 2 prescriptions and a breathing machine, and Mister went to Urgent Care to get a script for bronchitis, I just wanted my little family to get healthy so that we could prepare for the arrival of Baby Massie. I had no idea how soon we'd be welcoming him!

I woke at 4am on Thursday needing to go to the bathroom. This was nothing out of the ordinary for the past few weeks. After doing my business, I climbed back in bed with Mister and Ains. A few minutes later, back on the porcelain throne. From 4-5am, I was back and forth, back and forth. Chris woke during one of my returns, asking if I needed anything, but all I needed was to not have to have to constantly sit on the throne!!

At 5am, I found myself on the couch. I no longer felt the constant urge to go to the bathroom, but I did have period like cramps. From 5 to 6, I had about four of these period like cramps. They lasted for a few minutes at a time and weren't painful, but definitely uncomfortable. After the second one, I realized they were likely contractions, but still nothing that I was getting too excited about. I mean they were only uncomfortable, and perhaps it was just false labor.

At 6am, I figured it was time to start getting ready for school by straightening my hair. I figured if I continued about my day, I'd be able to differentiate between discomforts of perhaps false labor and if it was maybe the real deal. While straightening my hair I had to pause a couple times because of discomfort. After my hair was done, I decided I wasn't going to school that day. Even if this wasn't the real deal, I didn't feel like having to make "pauses" throughout the day in front of a class full of high schoolers. As I climbed back in bed and unsuccessfully tried to get comfortable [especially during the cramps contractions], I updated Chris on my morning and said that I wasn't going into work, but he might as well. To which he asked, "So what will it take for you to call me and say to come home?"

"I don't know, when things get real?!"

By this time, deep down I knew things were already getting real, but didn't want to get my hopes up as it was nearly 24 hours after my water broke with Ains before she was in my arms.

About 7am we were both out of bed, Chris had called his boss and said he wasn't coming in and my contractions were any where from 5 to 12 minutes apart. I was instructed to head to the hospital upon my water breaking or if I had regular contractions, 7 minutes apart. We decided we'd continue to wait it out at home, allowing Ainsley to sleep in before going out to Chris' parents'. No need to wake her up early if we were just going to be hanging out at home all morning.

Just before 8am, as I found myself stopping in my tracks with every contraction focusing on riding it out, I decided that whole "let Ainsley sleep in" idea was a bad idea! "Chris, let's wake Ainsley! I don't think I can wait for her to wake on her own." Chris sent a message to his parents saying we were going to be bringing Ainsley out. A few minutes later, Chris' dad was on his way to pick up Ains.

I was relieved.

Last pic as a family of three!

A quick pic [between contractions]
before heading to the hospital!

Just before 9am we headed to the hospital. A contraction as I tried to get into the car and another right as we were arriving. As we headed to the 5th floor, I buzzed into the Labor & Delivery wing, "Can we help you?"

"Uh, yes, I'm in labor..." As the door opens, I turn to Mister, "at least I better be!!"

We got all checked in, and then Nurse Judy checked me: 4 cm and bulging bag of waters. A bit of progress since the appointment the day before. Now at this time, I was having a bit of tension. I was afraid that this may not be it. I mean my water broke first with Ainsley, so why wouldn't it have broken already if it was time for true labor. But just like I had text my Momma-cita eariler, if this wasn't the real deal, I was doomed!

Over the next couple of hours, my contractions became more steady usually with an intense one quickly followed by one that wasn't quite as intense. They progressed from "Focus! Focus! Focus! Just breathe through it Rachel!" to "This hurts! Ahh, this hurts! Ahh, ahh, it's over!" By 11:30am, I had asked Nurse Judy a couple of times, "Now if I were to get an epidural, do you think it'd up my chances of a c-section?!" Each time I was told that it could but not necessarily. Judy said there were other options, like staydol but after my experience with Ainsley, I said HECK NO!!

So she suggested getting out of bed and try sitting in the rocking chair and rocking through each contraction. I knew that Dr. Bradley should be over about noon or so during his lunch to check on me and likely to break my water, so that was a goal--just make it until noon!!

I only made it one contraction in the rocking chair before I was back in bed and getting checked. I asked him what was so pressing on my mind--soooo, will that epidural up my chances of a c-section?! I didn't really get an answer but he grabbed the big ol' crochet hook and broke my water. "Ahh, just like peeing!!" and more pee and more pee! After he broke my water, he checked me, said I was at 8 cm [holy cow! 4 cm in just a couple of hours!!] and said he was headed to get a bite to eat but would be in the hospital.

I moaned, breathed, squeezed the bed rails during each contraction, shoving ice chips in my mouth like it was my job. I was uncomfortable. I was in pain. I was getting a bit more demanding of Mister--hold my hand, don't hold my hand, push on my back, don't push on my back, ICE NOW!! I was doing it, but I didn't know if I could do it.

Dr. Bradley returned with coffee in hand sitting in the rocking chair in my room. He informed my that once his coffee was gone, he'd check me again, attached an internal fetal monitor to the baby and returned to the rocking chair. I recall asking again, are you sure there's nothing I can get?!

"A margarita?!"

"If you've got strawberry, hook me up!!"

"Ah, sorry. All out of strawberry. Guess there's nothing for you!"

Because of the pain, I was really doubting if I could do this. Based on previous experience, I labored with true contractions for 6 hours. I just didn't know if I could last another 4 hours like this! [Dr. Bradley continued to hang out in my room through the arrival of our lil' one. While I appreciated this because last time I felt like my OB was absent, there were times I really wish he weren't there. Like when he was on his cell phone, and I was grimacing through contractions--I swear he was probably playing Words with Friends or something--or when he was checking me during contractions--I really wanted to just kick him in the head!!]

Shortly there after, I was told if I felt like I needed to push, it was time to start pushing. A few contractions later, I decided it was time to push. I didn't know if I felt like I needed to but I certainly wanted to because I wanted this baby to get here.

Over the course of the next hour or so, I pushed with nearly every contraction with Chris and Judy by my side counting to ten and encouraging me that I was doing well. There were a couple glimpses of labor humor as I "Welp! I jut crapped!" but overall, I was feeling a little discouraged. I didn't feel like I was doing well. I didn't know if I was make progress. I didn't know if the baby was any closer to its arrival. I didn't know if I could do it. During this time, I had a major meltdown. I can't do this! It hurts too much, this baby isn't coming! Dr. Bradley responded "too late" when I said I needed something. I could tell it was hard for Chris to encourage me as he knew I was in great pain. It hurt to keep my legs in the pushing position. I wanted to stop because my hips hurt. I wanted to push because I knew it'd be better. I can't do this, but I continued on.

Sometime in this time, Dr. Bradley gave me two shots in my who-ha of some sort of numbing agent--think the pinch, burning like when getting a cavity filled. He said he thought I was going to "need some extra room". [I'm not 100% sure what it was. Something in the 'caine' family of numbing agents I think, but later the nurses said it was something that Dr. Bradley is one of the very few that use it.]

About 2pm, things started to get a lot more busy in the room. I could tell prepping was happening, but I still didn't know how long I had until the arrival of our lil' one.

I think this was one of the hardest parts about the labor--well except the contractions of course!--I feel like I never really knew where I was at in the whole process. I assumed since more activity was going on, I had to be getting close, but I didn't know this. I was told I was doing great, but in the back of my mind, I thought I was afraid I wasn't and that this labor too would end in a c-section: my worst fear for the past 9 months!

Dr. Bradley then said he was trying to help me get the baby positioned correctly as it was posterior. [Later I found out the he wasn't just posterior, but was quite twisted up in there.] As he did this, he also said he was going to use a vacuum to help pull the baby down. I think this added to the uncertainty of my progress. Because of the added pressure of the vacuum, it was difficult for me to feel where the baby was and if I was getting close. [I guess I assume Mommas can feel the location by the added pressure as I don't know for sure.]

About a quarter after two came my second major meltdown! After a particularly painful pushing through a contraction, I began crying uncontrollably, shaking my head, "I can't do this! I can't! I can't! It's not going to happen!" Judy tried to calm me and grabbed the oxygen mask. Dr. Bradley encouraged  that I was indeed doing it. Chris held my hand and without saying anything, told me I had all his support and the choice was mine.

I wanted to give up. What the heck was I thinking? Why on earth did I dream of experiencing this since the day Ainsley was born? No wonder women say, just schedule a c-section. I can't do it. No, I have to do it. I want to do it!

I regrouped. Got myself together and continued to push with everything I had in me.

I'm not sure how many pushes/contractions later it was, but all of a sudden, Dr. Bradley declared, "The head is out."

"The baby's head is out?! We did it!! I did it!!"

I was reminded the job wasn't done yet, but I didn't care. "If the head's out, the rest of the baby has to come this way! I did it!"

And then, what seemed to be "just like that", Dr. Bradley laid our baby on my chest!

I spread the little legs, "It's a boy!" and looked into Chris' tear-filled eyes, "we have Jacoby!"

Kisses and snuggles and happiness and "I did its!" and "We did its!" and "Thank yous!" [to Dr. Bradley & Judy for believing in me] filled the next several minutes.

I seriously couldn't have done it without these 3 men!

Oh, and Jacoby showing us that his plumbing worked just fine as he laid on my chest! He was cleaned up. I was sown up. Vitals were taken "9 lbs. 4 oz. 21 1/4 inches"!

I looked at Dr. Bradley who had estimated a 7.5-8 lb. baby the day before, and with sweat on his brow, smirked saying, good thing we didn't know that or he wasn't sure we'd gone this [VBAC] route!

"But he fit! But we did it!!!" It is no exaggeration that I had dreamed of a VBAC since the very day of Ainsley's birth. I don't know the number of hours that I have spent dreaming, visualizing, thinking about, worrying about having a VBAC. Some may never understand. Some may think I am/was nuts for having such desire. [Shoot! I did about 15 minutes before successfully having a VBAC!]

But this was one of the most proudest moments of my life.

Everything seemed perfect! Jacoby Joshua was the most handsome, albeit hairy, little man I had ever seen! He nursed like a champ!

All was right in the world!

The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, is to come in Jacoby's 1 week letter. 

Great Anticipation

Had you asked me Wednesday at 3:30 how I was feeling about this pregnancy and the arrival of sweet babe Massie, I would have confidently responded, "I'm not getting excited [aka not thinking it's going to happen] for another 2 weeks!"

You see, Ainsley's due date was August 22nd with an adjusted ultrasound due date of August 25th. My water broke on the morning on August 26th and she was welcomed into the world in the wee hours of August 27th.

With this lil one, my original due date is March 2nd. My ultrasound due date is March 9th. So I've kind of clung to a March 6th due date. Just trying to not get anxious or really think that the babe will arrive before then.

But then I had a 3:30 appointment on Wednesday.

When my doc checked my progress, he made a face [which is normal for his expressive self] and while I expected to hear that I had not made any additional progress from my appt just 5 days prior, he announced that I was 3 cm dilated! [This is compared to 1 cm on Friday.] Suddenly excitement and anticipation set in. By no means am/was I naive enough to think we needed to head to the hospital, but something about that progress gave me great anticipation for the coming days. Perhaps it won't be March 6th or later.

Or maybe it will.

With Ains, the first "sign" of labor was waking to my water breaking that Friday morning. I thought for sure I wouldn't be a part of 10% of ladies that their labors start in such way, but I was. And now, as I wake a couple times a night to reposition or going to the bathroom, I find myself wondering, hoping, and then disappointed that it was simply discomfort or "only pee" in the toilet that woke me. Then it's drifting back to sleep wondering if it'll be another day or another two weeks until that twinge I feel is really "it".

Of course I am extremely excited to finally meet lil' Massie. To know if lil' Massie is Jacoby Joshua or _______ _______. I'm excited to kiss a teeny-tiny nose, be amazed by 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. I'm excited to experience falling in love all over again. To watch Mister fall in love all over again. To see how Ainsley handles her new role as big sister. To see if she wants to hold this baby as much as she wants to hold every baby she sees in a picture.

I have great anticipation for each of these wonderful things.

I also have great anticipation as I think about how lil' Massie will enter this world. Avoiding a delivery like Ainsley's is extremely important to me. She arrive healthy and so I was I after her delivery, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I still struggle with questions of what if and wondering if I was pressured into what wasn't necessary. What was supposed to be moments of euphoric emotions and connecting with my precious little princess, instead was an hour of separation and emotions that can't be articulated.

As we--both Mister and me--prepare for the arrival of baby Massie #2, we've done and read and prepared all that we can for a VBAC. I read articles. I ask questions. I lay in bed imagining, preparing, hoping for such a delivery. With each passing day, and now with each passing hour, I think about being in the hospital and welcoming the arrival of our little one. And oh how I long to be the first to hold this babe. How I long to be able to snuggle the sweet bundle moments after birth versus being strapped down and only able to stretch my neck and strain my eyes to see my little one.

Many people don't get it. "Healthy baby, healthy mom. That's what really matters." I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends, family, and even strangers make this comment. Usually I smile, nod, and then have a conversation with myself about how I loathed my emotions--ones that only can be understood if they are experienced--so much after Ainsley's birth that avoiding them is of high priority.

Only time will tell. And while I wish I knew how much time it's going to take to tell, I'm trying my darnest to soak up every moment as a family of three. Every everything may be our last as we currently know it, and I don't want to overlook these precious moments, looking ahead to the moment when things get real!

Update through Photos

There's been quite the time since I last posted, but that doesn't mean a lot of life hasn't happened! So for an quick update to bring the blog world up to speed, photos from the past 5ish months!

August 2012

 The Best Time of the Year--Allen County Fair

 Sassy Sondra modeling her Guys & Gals Lead outfit that Aunt Sara made for her.

Right before she stuck out her tongue then was too embarrassed to finish!

Ainsley's 1st Birthday Party 

She certainly wasn't shy digging into the delicious cake Grandma Massie made for her!

September 2012

Clum Family Gathering in Bellefontaine

Running and diving on a mattress with Stu and Sondra--It's so much fun to see how much you love interacting with other kids!

Train ride at Bellefontaine Lodge--Riding with Jacob

 October 2012

Half Marathon with Momma-Cita & Mister

All smiles BEFORE the run! After the run was more of a straight-faced hobble for me!

Trick-or-Treating At Otterbein

Three CrAzY kids!

Our Skeleton Family

 

President Obama came to my high school. This made for a crazy few days but was thankful to witness the madness!

November 2012

 We said goodbye to Grandma Clum as she was reunited with her husband and her Lord. It was the worst, yet best birthday present.

Ainsley first picture with Great-Grandma Clum

  Hot Chocolate 5k--Momma-cita's Birthday Gift

Trip to Chicago for Math Conference--This was our first time that both Mister and I were away from Ainsley overnight. 

We went ice-skating for the first time. [Isn't that what every 6 month pregnant lady does?!]

No falls! All smiles! Millennium Park

December 2012

We met Miss Piper McCracken. Ainsley absolutely loved the precious little baby! It made us more excited for the arrival of our little bundle!

Kisses for Piper

Ains LOVED holding Piper!

Cheese Party--We hosted a cheese party at our house! We had friends over with lots of cheesey food, wore cheesey aka ugly Christmas attire, and played Cheeseopardy aka cheeseo-themed Jeopardy.

 

I painted Ainsley's fingernails for the first time! It made her seem like a little lady, instantly!

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning we had to torture you awake for presents!

"Cheese" face!

She did great opening presents until she opened a book--then all she wanted to do it read.

Motorcycle Momma like Grandmomma-cita!

One of Ainsley's common faces--I <3 br="br" it="it">

Nephews became animals for Christmas

 Visit with high school friends--Ange and Britney. Crazy that we all have at least one babe now!

Angela's Jillian; Britney's Emma; and my ham!

 Clum Family Christmas

Part of the Crazy Clum Great Grandkids

Play cards with Gabe

 Helping Papa put together our new *double* stroller

Crazy hair!

 January 2013

33 Weeks Pregnant & 16 months ornery!

Monkey

 Perhaps I'll work on consistent updating now!