Great Anticipation

Had you asked me Wednesday at 3:30 how I was feeling about this pregnancy and the arrival of sweet babe Massie, I would have confidently responded, "I'm not getting excited [aka not thinking it's going to happen] for another 2 weeks!"

You see, Ainsley's due date was August 22nd with an adjusted ultrasound due date of August 25th. My water broke on the morning on August 26th and she was welcomed into the world in the wee hours of August 27th.

With this lil one, my original due date is March 2nd. My ultrasound due date is March 9th. So I've kind of clung to a March 6th due date. Just trying to not get anxious or really think that the babe will arrive before then.

But then I had a 3:30 appointment on Wednesday.

When my doc checked my progress, he made a face [which is normal for his expressive self] and while I expected to hear that I had not made any additional progress from my appt just 5 days prior, he announced that I was 3 cm dilated! [This is compared to 1 cm on Friday.] Suddenly excitement and anticipation set in. By no means am/was I naive enough to think we needed to head to the hospital, but something about that progress gave me great anticipation for the coming days. Perhaps it won't be March 6th or later.

Or maybe it will.

With Ains, the first "sign" of labor was waking to my water breaking that Friday morning. I thought for sure I wouldn't be a part of 10% of ladies that their labors start in such way, but I was. And now, as I wake a couple times a night to reposition or going to the bathroom, I find myself wondering, hoping, and then disappointed that it was simply discomfort or "only pee" in the toilet that woke me. Then it's drifting back to sleep wondering if it'll be another day or another two weeks until that twinge I feel is really "it".

Of course I am extremely excited to finally meet lil' Massie. To know if lil' Massie is Jacoby Joshua or _______ _______. I'm excited to kiss a teeny-tiny nose, be amazed by 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. I'm excited to experience falling in love all over again. To watch Mister fall in love all over again. To see how Ainsley handles her new role as big sister. To see if she wants to hold this baby as much as she wants to hold every baby she sees in a picture.

I have great anticipation for each of these wonderful things.

I also have great anticipation as I think about how lil' Massie will enter this world. Avoiding a delivery like Ainsley's is extremely important to me. She arrive healthy and so I was I after her delivery, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I still struggle with questions of what if and wondering if I was pressured into what wasn't necessary. What was supposed to be moments of euphoric emotions and connecting with my precious little princess, instead was an hour of separation and emotions that can't be articulated.

As we--both Mister and me--prepare for the arrival of baby Massie #2, we've done and read and prepared all that we can for a VBAC. I read articles. I ask questions. I lay in bed imagining, preparing, hoping for such a delivery. With each passing day, and now with each passing hour, I think about being in the hospital and welcoming the arrival of our little one. And oh how I long to be the first to hold this babe. How I long to be able to snuggle the sweet bundle moments after birth versus being strapped down and only able to stretch my neck and strain my eyes to see my little one.

Many people don't get it. "Healthy baby, healthy mom. That's what really matters." I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends, family, and even strangers make this comment. Usually I smile, nod, and then have a conversation with myself about how I loathed my emotions--ones that only can be understood if they are experienced--so much after Ainsley's birth that avoiding them is of high priority.

Only time will tell. And while I wish I knew how much time it's going to take to tell, I'm trying my darnest to soak up every moment as a family of three. Every everything may be our last as we currently know it, and I don't want to overlook these precious moments, looking ahead to the moment when things get real!