Dear Ainsley [18 months]

Dear Baby Girl (that I feel like I can't call baby girl anymore because within a few days you'll no longer be a baby):

You are officially 18 months old now! The past year and an half has been absolutely blissful and I continue to be amazed more and more each day with your personality and knowledge.

One of your fav pastimes is to read books. You'll bring one to Papa or me and help us flip through each cardboard page. Of course many of the books have to do with animals, funny faces and body parts which has led to quite the learning on your part. A bit before Christmas, you would confidently and correctly respond to "What does a sheep say?" Since then you've added cow, pig, dog, cat, monkey, lion, snake, chicken, duck, mouse, owl, frog, elephant and we're currently working on penguin. Initially my favorite was the cat--although you know how much Momma loathes cats!--because regardless of how rambunctious you are when we ask you about a cat's sound, you sweetly and gingerly tilt your head with the cutest, softest "meeeeow". I think my favs now though include the elephant since you include your little arm as the trunk and a penguin--waddle, waddle with the booty wiggle!

Which leads to my favorite body part that I like to test you on! "Where's your booty?!" And you hands go to your hindend with a wiggle and big ol' smile! You also know where your eyes, ears, cheeks, chin, forehead, head/hair, mouth, tongue, teeth--although you look like a goat with a bad underbite when you show them off--nose, fingers, feet, toes, knees, working on elbows, and of course your round lil' belly!

I'm not sure what's normal for your age, and I really try to keep it that way, Ainsley. You're only a year and an half old, and I know with face all kinds of "keeping up with the Joneses" issues in the future, but for now, I'm just going to let you control what normal is for whatever age you are at. (And don't worry, you'll always excel compared to the Joneses if we keep this attitude! ;))

Other than books and learning of animal and body parts--which is partially thanks to your obsession use of the iPad as a learning device--the thing that occupies the majority of the rest of your time starts with a "Waaaaaaa" and ends with a "tch!" "The Lion King" has been watched nearly 50 times in the last month or so. Some mornings you'll wake, point towards the bedroom door, and grin with a "Waaaatch?!" Other days you make it a few hours before you ask, but in honesty, I'm not sure you've gone a day without asking recently. (Not that we let you watch it every time, but most.) Every once in awhile you'll choose "The Little Mermaid", "Up!", or "Monsters, Inc." instead of "Lion" but those times are few and far between.

It's just so hard to say no to "Waaaatch, peeas?!" especially when we know it'll be followed up with a "ank ouuu"! Keep milking it now, lil' one because it won't work forever. ;-)

There are just so many things that have happened and ways that you are growing and learning in the past 6 months. I can't even begin to realistically imagine what the next six months will hold, especially since within the next few days--hopefully--you will officially be a big sister! I know that it'll be a period of transition for us all, but the way you hold and cuddle and love on your baby dolls and how you want to hold every real baby you see--even if the baby is in a picture--I know you'll be a great helper for Momma & Papa. And sweet little one, I know there will be days when you may feel more neglected than you'd like or days when you feel like the new one to come has taken your spotlight, but just like I have told you many times, Momma & Papa love you very, very much and we promise to do our best to love you with our best in all the days to come!

Much love lil' Pete!

 -Momma

History Repeats

Remember this post by chance?!

Well let's just say history repeats itself.

Yesterday. 3:40 appointment. High blood pressure [150something over somthing.]

10 minutes of laying day and "relaxing thoughts".

147/something.

Not a single other thing is odd or off, but my blood pressure to way to high for my normal.

Doc comes in checks everything out, says that I'm not even dilated [but remember this from last week?!] How does that even happen?!?!

Off to the hospital.

Momma-cita meets me there and Mister joins after work.

Hospital gown? Check.
Pee in a cup? Check.
Monitors? Check.
Blood pressure reading? 122 over something. [Which is normal enough for me!]

Starving because it'd been 7+ hours since I had eaten? CHECK!!

We had to wait for all the lab results to get back and my blood pressure was read every 15 minutes [usually at about 112 over something], which took about 3 hours to do.

So 3 hours later I was discharged with a "take it easy, drink plenty of water and hopefully we'll see you soon to deliver that baby!"

Oh and I had the nurse check me before I left, because I was completely baffled how I went from 1 cm to 3 cm the next week and then completely closed the following week. The result? I am still 3 cm. My doc just didn't "look around" enough. Since I'm still super posterior and it's baby number two, the nurse said it can take more effort that a quick check. Whew! I was hoping that super cold weather last week didn't have such effect on me! ;)

Great Anticipation

Had you asked me Wednesday at 3:30 how I was feeling about this pregnancy and the arrival of sweet babe Massie, I would have confidently responded, "I'm not getting excited [aka not thinking it's going to happen] for another 2 weeks!"

You see, Ainsley's due date was August 22nd with an adjusted ultrasound due date of August 25th. My water broke on the morning on August 26th and she was welcomed into the world in the wee hours of August 27th.

With this lil one, my original due date is March 2nd. My ultrasound due date is March 9th. So I've kind of clung to a March 6th due date. Just trying to not get anxious or really think that the babe will arrive before then.

But then I had a 3:30 appointment on Wednesday.

When my doc checked my progress, he made a face [which is normal for his expressive self] and while I expected to hear that I had not made any additional progress from my appt just 5 days prior, he announced that I was 3 cm dilated! [This is compared to 1 cm on Friday.] Suddenly excitement and anticipation set in. By no means am/was I naive enough to think we needed to head to the hospital, but something about that progress gave me great anticipation for the coming days. Perhaps it won't be March 6th or later.

Or maybe it will.

With Ains, the first "sign" of labor was waking to my water breaking that Friday morning. I thought for sure I wouldn't be a part of 10% of ladies that their labors start in such way, but I was. And now, as I wake a couple times a night to reposition or going to the bathroom, I find myself wondering, hoping, and then disappointed that it was simply discomfort or "only pee" in the toilet that woke me. Then it's drifting back to sleep wondering if it'll be another day or another two weeks until that twinge I feel is really "it".

Of course I am extremely excited to finally meet lil' Massie. To know if lil' Massie is Jacoby Joshua or _______ _______. I'm excited to kiss a teeny-tiny nose, be amazed by 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. I'm excited to experience falling in love all over again. To watch Mister fall in love all over again. To see how Ainsley handles her new role as big sister. To see if she wants to hold this baby as much as she wants to hold every baby she sees in a picture.

I have great anticipation for each of these wonderful things.

I also have great anticipation as I think about how lil' Massie will enter this world. Avoiding a delivery like Ainsley's is extremely important to me. She arrive healthy and so I was I after her delivery, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I still struggle with questions of what if and wondering if I was pressured into what wasn't necessary. What was supposed to be moments of euphoric emotions and connecting with my precious little princess, instead was an hour of separation and emotions that can't be articulated.

As we--both Mister and me--prepare for the arrival of baby Massie #2, we've done and read and prepared all that we can for a VBAC. I read articles. I ask questions. I lay in bed imagining, preparing, hoping for such a delivery. With each passing day, and now with each passing hour, I think about being in the hospital and welcoming the arrival of our little one. And oh how I long to be the first to hold this babe. How I long to be able to snuggle the sweet bundle moments after birth versus being strapped down and only able to stretch my neck and strain my eyes to see my little one.

Many people don't get it. "Healthy baby, healthy mom. That's what really matters." I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends, family, and even strangers make this comment. Usually I smile, nod, and then have a conversation with myself about how I loathed my emotions--ones that only can be understood if they are experienced--so much after Ainsley's birth that avoiding them is of high priority.

Only time will tell. And while I wish I knew how much time it's going to take to tell, I'm trying my darnest to soak up every moment as a family of three. Every everything may be our last as we currently know it, and I don't want to overlook these precious moments, looking ahead to the moment when things get real!